Scooby-Doo

Scooby-Doo

So I went to a fund raiser the other night for the organization called 'CASA'. That's short for Canine Alcohol and Substance Abuse. The funny thing about it was it was an open-bar event. I was just there in support of a canine friend of mine named Rover who went through a bad period on heroine and coke about a year ago. He found out his owner was about to have him neutered and he freaked out and went off the deep end. I mean listen the guy has fathered ten different dogs on his entire block and the pup support is killing him. I told him being neutered might not be such a bad idea given his current state. He told me to fuck off so I dropped the subject. So we're at this CASA event and everybody is shit faced because like I said its an open-bar event. Its basically a party. Animals celebrating the fact that they are now sober.. at least they were until they stepped foot into a CASA event. There's a stage, a band, a few speeches are said here and there its basically a jolly event.

So as the night progresses out of the blue I hear a few gasps and ohh-ahhs overtaking the room. Then all of a sudden I'm hearing cheers and applause.. And me and Rover are like "what the hell is going on here?!"  Low and behold to everyone's surprise.. SCOOBY motherfucking DOO has entered the building!! WOW! I'm literally speechless. There were many other species of the wild kingdom present but it was a hoot watching every canine present wanting to take a sniff of Scooby's ass.

So anyways the legend and gawd Scooby quickly hits the stage and grabs the microphone and greets everyone present in the building. Its like it was a planned show or something. No awkward clumsy movements. No goofball voice that he has on the cartoon.. he speaks perfect fluent English. I mean the words literally float off the tip of his tongue. And the guy looked great. It was like he was 5 years old (In dog years that's 35 years old people. Get with it!). He wore an immaculate silk suit. Expensive shades. He's puffin' on this majestic pipe full of tobacco (at least I think it was tobacco) while grasping a cocktail of some sort in the other hand.. Hugh Hefner has nothing on this guy. Everybody's literally blown away and mesmerized by him.

After he cordially greets everyone he breaks out with this comedy routine that floors the entire room. No one could stop laughing for two hours straight. He begins to lay everything out on the table.. and its just us animals in the room so he doesn't give a shit who he offends. I knew we were in for a treat when he starts off by saying, "Fuck Scrappy-Doo, we all hated that little piece of shit! Shaggy purposely tried to run him over four times with the Mystery Machine over the course of the show. Hanna-Barbera thought he was a gold mine. May they rest in peace but seriously what the fuck were they thinking! I couldn't even get my good pal Hong Kong Phooey or Dynomutt on the show 'cause of that asshole Scrappy! They thought they would ruin the chemistry between me, Shaggy, and Scrappy. But believe me when I say that Scrappy was an egotistical narcissistic coked out maniac that's basically me being nice and holding my tongue. Ohhh I hated that little piece of shit! Ken Spears and Joe Ruby, the show's creators, said they wanted a new addition to the show. Hell me and Shaggy thought we were finally gonna get some love interest to play opposite of us you know what I'm sayin'.. but no they bring in that dirty little piece of shit." 

He was just getting warmed up too:


"Thelma was the freak. She was Ivy League.. went to Brown University. Extremely smart but a closet repressed nympho. Everybody wanted Daphne but behind closed doors Thelma was fucking everybody!"

"Daphne was actually a hardcore Christian believe it or not. She'd preach to us all the time. But her church didn't like the ghost stories and the subject matter of the show but as soon as the show hit it big she donated like a hundred thousand bucks to her church and best believe they shut the fuck up after that. Her pastor actually told her- keep the ghost stories coming, they're so entertaining. Can you believe that." 

"Of course we were high. It was the 70's. Even the Scooby Snacks were laced with marijuana. Why do you think we loved them so much!"

"I came up with that Scooby-Doo voice and mannerisms for the cartoon one day while having a cup of coffee with Marlon Brando on Melrose Avenue. Ruby and Spears didn't like it at first but when I told them that Brando gave it the okay they backed off. Now the voice is iconic".

"Freddie was a good guy. Me and Shaggy thought he went both ways but nah.. he was just one of those metrosexual fashion dudes".

"I had to bite the shit out of Captain Caveman one day at a private party for the season wrap up of the Laff-A-Lympics. He would always carry that caveman persona outside of the studio. He was literally Captain Caveman on and off the camera. What was I supposed to do, he was scaring the shit out of all the guest at the party."

"Shaggy once told me he secretly wanted to replace Roger Moore and become the next James Bond of the 007 films. I told him, "Shaggy you can do whatever the fuck you wanna do brother. You're a star and don't you ever forget that." Of course we were both wacked out of our minds and high as Mount Everest that evening but whatever!"  

"And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!- George Jetson actually came up with that line at a viewing party thrown by Space Ghost at his home in Highland Park. Of course we took it and ran with it."


--And that's how the night went that particular evening. It was truly amazing. One of the greatest nights of my life. If that was to be a pay-per-view special I'd gladly pay a hundred bucks to hear those stories. There were a lot more of course but they got a little too personal to repeat here to you all.

So if you ever hear about a CASA event or fundraiser going down in your neck of the woods don't walk, run to that bastard as fast as you can. You'll never know who might pop up and worst case scenario its an open bar so drink up and enjoy.



Hollywood Elephant