Toucan Sam

Toucan Sam

When I first met Toucan Sam it was at a fashion show fundraiser in outskirts of Panama City, Panama about three years ago. Now let me say that this bird is the epitome of longevity in the business. Because of the high sugar content in Fruity Loops the shit literally flies off the shelves in supermarkets thus enabling Sam to have one of the best gigs in Hollywood. What can I say I’m in awe of the guy. He’s been hocking sugary cereal to hyperactive adolescents since 1960. 

So anyways here I was at this fashion show and after the show there was an after party at this banquet hall which was only a few blocks down the street. So I’m at the bar with my usual ten pound mixed green salad and three pitchers of Amstel Light and to the right of me about ten feet away is Toucan Sam drunk as shit dancing all by himself yelling out things like, “Fuck Kelloggs, I should've landed the lead in Rio", "I'm a real actor", "I wish I was Jewish", and things of that sort over and over again to whoever would listen to his shenanigans. Next he was trying to quote a line from Shakespeare but he couldn't remember the line in his inebriated state. Then all of a sudden he takes flight and begins to fly around the entire bar in circles. While in the air he almost dropped a wad of bird shit on the bartender but missed.. it actually landed in the drink of a giraffe. Everybody started to freak out at the sight. I’m worried ‘cause he's a legend in the animal kingdom and I actually respect this guy. So I flag him down and finally he stops flying around, apologizes to everyone, and takes a seat next to me. I buy him a drink, Hennessy straight up, and he begins to pour his soul out too me.

He’s blabbering on and on about how he wants to be taken seriously as an actor and how the big dogs at Kelloggs won’t let him flex his true acting chops in the commercials. Instead of flying around-sniffing out the nearest bowl of Fruity Loops he wants to do an abstract styled Kelloggs commercial where the Fruity Loops hover in the air, grow larger and expand.. then he would fly up to each one and stick his huge colorful beak into each ring- sort of like a sexual thing...huh yeah you get the picture, the convo was very weird and crazy as shit. I can't even look at another Fruity Loops commercial to this very day because of that story. He also told me that the rumor of him almost getting his head cut off and his body parts fried up for a dinner was true. At an awards ceremony a few years ago, he insulted the wife of a Sony executive telling her that "once you go Beak, your knees stay Weak".

Long live Toucan,



Hollywood Elephant