Jaws

 

Jaws

In my honest opinion I thought Jaws was a fish that was not to be fucked with under any circumstances whatsoever on or off camera. I mean you got guys like Charlie Tuna whom I've had the pleasure of meeting.. Great guy despite the fact that he sold his soul and his species out for a quick buck. Moby Dick is cool and very down to earth once you get him out of water. He's actually doing motivational speaking these days. But JAWS.. we're talking Jaws here people- The ultimate bad ass! Those teeth of his weren't special effects. Humans were literally scared to go into the water when this film dropped. Every animal I've ever known has secretly rooted for this guy in all the films even though we all knew he would get the shaft at the end of the day. In my mind he was the ultimate-gangster-bad ass-hooligan-thug you didn't want to bump into while walking down your favorite shoreline. Fuck Darth Vader, Jaws was THAT GUY! But boy was I ever so wrong.. nothing could be further from the truth ladies and gentlemen. Hate to burst your bubble and it really hurts me to say this but Jaws is a flaming homosexual. Nothing against gay people or that lifestyle but in all honesty it was a crushing blow to my psyche... and it went like this:

So I'm out with my elephant lady-friend one evening. I had her flown in from Chad two days ago(shipped in actually).. And I'm showing her around the town and all.. Hermosa Beach, Dodger Stadium, Sunset Boulevard, you know all the usual bullshit. So after a while she tells me she's hungry and of course I'm hungry too. Hey we're elephants, we eat and shit, and then we eat some more- its what we do. So I see Berri's on 3rd Street and pull up and valet the ride. We step into the joint and low and behold there's Jaws sitting right there in the front of the restaurant right by the door! I'm excited-mind blown like, "Oh shit its the gawd Jaws!!" But for some strange reason I notice he has on fake eyelashes, skinny jeans, and a ton of lip gloss smeared across his lips. Then I slow down and I turn to my girl and say, "What the fuck, is that Jaws??" But it is him. My girl confirmed that 100% he was definitely Jaws.

So the hostess seats me and my girl a few tables over from the icon and I'm like fuck it I got to 'give it up' a bit so I give a little shout out to Jaws. I say something to the effect of, "Love your work Jaws, you're an inspiration to us all". Now those menacing teeth are still scary as hell but the effect is thrown off as he blushed like a little girl at the comment while batting his eyelashes. He then replies in a real extremely feminine voice, "Thank you sweetie, you guys look cute together. I just love your big bodies, especially your trunks. You can use them for sooooo many things."

I literally didn't know what the fuck to say. I just simply smiled back and buried my face into the menu. It didn't end.. At that moment in comes JabberJaw happily bursting through the doors wearing lipstick, Capri pants, fashionable eyewear, and red bottomed pumps! I'm like "Not JabberJaw too!" Upon seeing JabberJaw, Jaws hopes out of his seat in excitement and screams out, "Hey boo, what took you so long?" "Girl I was getting my eyebrows done, that bitch was taking her sweet time. I was like bitch I gots to go okaaaay", he replied. That voice shocked me 'cause in the cartoon JabberJaw sounds like one of The Three Stooges but not today.

They hugged briefly then Jaws slipped back into his seat once more and to my chagrin JabberJaw sits right on Jaws lap. Jaws then smacks Jabber on his buttocks and says, "You keepin' it tight for daddy huh?" Jabber cracked a smile and replied, "Well you better hurry up and put a ring on it 'cause Donkey from Shrek is trying to get at me and he stays working unlike some people around here." Jaws frowned up and quickly snapped back, "I'mma call Spielberg up this week and see what's going on with a Jaws reboot".

Even though my girl thought they were adorable, I had heard enough. We ordered our five pound salads to go and got the hell out of there. It was just too much to take in at one time. That was something that needed to soak in gradually over the course of time. My girl thanked me for the outing as we drove back to my apartment. She loved every minute of it as she began texting her friends back in Chad about hobnobbing and carousing with celebrities. As I hit the on-ramp to the 10 freeway going East I still couldn't believe what just took place. Jaws???


Hollywood Elephant