Kermit The Frog

 

 Kermit The Frog

About a year ago I was heavily in the mist of completing a script that was going to be the blueprint for a reboot of  the classic film 'The Elephant Man'.. only this time with a real elephant as the lead and not some shitty looking grotesque human being walking around London England with a sack on his head. On this particular night I had a bad case of writer's block -slash procrastination- slash why in the fuck am I even writing this bullshit because nobody is going to read it.. so I pulled myself away from the laptop and stepped out for a second to clear my head and grab something to eat. Pulling up into the local CVS to grab a few pounds of snacks I notice the inside is rather dead for a Saturday Night. As I lumber to the back of the store to raid the candy isle I take a quick gaze at the Pharmacy to the left and suddenly I stop dead in my tracks. It can't be.. What the fuck, low and behold standing in the pharmaceutical line is the one and only KERMIT THE FROG! OMG!!

This is the only freaking Amphibian to have a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame! Let me repeat that.. He has a fucking star on the walk of fame ladies and gentleman. Are you not entertained?! Thee gawd Kermit Thee Frog!

Now to be honest I had to hold back from approaching him a little bit. I had to use caution and be very respectful here. See unbeknownst to the average two legged human.. and let me tell you this is not something you will learn from TMZ, The View, Entertainment Tonight, or any of that other bullshit pseudo news source that proliferate in today's landscape. Many people don't know this.. but Kermit The Frog is "CONNECTED". And I do mean connected in a very real way! He's connected to the Italian mob, the black gangs(Bloods, Crips, Boule), The Mexican gangs(13's/14's/Mexican Mafia/Drug Cartels), The Russians, Jewish Mafia, The rich whites with the Skull & Bones, The Gay Mafia, etc. etc. etc.. To sum it all up, you do not want to fuck with Kermit trust me! Its not a game with this guy. Sesame Street and The Muppets is great television, we all grew up on it but behind closed doors you're walking down a slippery slope if you cross this guy.

There was a rumor floating out there that before Jim Henson discovered him in the rural Mississippi Delta its believed that he had killed two Southern rednecks because they tried to shoot him for his frog legs. That's actually a true story but you didn't hear that from me. I heard he used to frequent juke joints, start fights, killed a few toads and frogs along the way who so happened to step on one of his various array of exotic Lilly pads. There's literally all kinds of stories and myths floating out there about the guy.. And its not that he was a bad seed or a evil guy but its just that he's so genuine and authentic that everyone was drawn into him and his magnetic aura. In reality he's a fucking frog but yet he could run for the presidency of the United States and probably win!

I remember hearing this story about his best friend Fozzy Bear, who was really out of control back in the Muppets heyday- A truly terrible individual, always coked up starting shit wherever they would go. Well one time Miss Piggy's younger sister, Miss Wiggly, was seriously trying to break into showbiz like her big sister. Miss Wiggly wasn't as talented as Miss Piggy but her chest region was way bigger.. and that goes a long way in Hollywood trust me. So there was a small part just perfect for her in the film "The Muppets Take Manhattan" and it was her's for the taking because well she's Piggy's little sister and Miss Piggy was no slouch back in the day. She was star power. But Fozzy shows up on the set probably drunk out of his mind and says, "Fuck that, this bitch hasn't paid any dues like the rest of us". Now mind you Fozzy had some serious pull back then 'cause he was with Kermit. That was Kermit's guy. He goes ballistic on Miss Wiggly saying, "If she wants in on The Muppets Take Manhattan then I wanna see her give Gonzo a blow job right now in front of everybody".

That sets off a frenzy. The director doesn't know what to do. The producer is on the phone calling the studio. Miss Wiggly is crushed, tears are streaming from her face. Gonzo on the other hand is happy as hell. Miss Wiggly calls her sister up telling her about Fozzy going ham on her while on set. Miss Piggy, pissed as hell, then calls Kermit.. and in a strange twist of fate Kermit informs Miss Piggy that Fozzy is 100% correct and that Miss Wiggly not only has to give Gonzo a blow job she has to give Rowlf The Dog one too. He elaborates saying in other words, she hasn't paid any dues, get her off the set, have her take some acting and singing lessons, and we'll get her an appearance on another show later down the line. Kermit didn't play when it came to The Muppets or anything he was involved in. She later got a few appearances on Fraggle Rock but ended up getting hooked on methamphetamine, flaming out, and winding up in a crappy Jimmy Dean sausage factory somewhere in Texas. He's as real as it gets.

Sorry I got carried away but back to me spotting him at the CVS that Saturday night.. I simply said hello to him and told him that I was a huge fan of his work, and this is a dream come true meeting him and yada yada. He nodded in his simple calm demenor, shook my front foot and said, "Thanks, Its a pleasure meeting you and please, please leave at least one box of Red Vines for me over there in the candy isle, I know how you guys eat". I laughed with a sheepish boyish grin and said, "You got it kind sir I'll do just that." I didn't wash my foot for two weeks straight!




Hollywood Elephant