Santa's Little Helper

Santa's Little Helper 


   Its not far fetched to say that The Simpsons is an American staple and foundation in modern television programming at its core. As it's now going on 31 seasons and counting, its the epitome and the gold standard of unbridled success not just in American television but in worldwide entertainment period. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Mr. Burns, and so on.. is such an iconic show and benchmark so bravo and kudos to Matt Groening and company for a job well done! But beyond the stars you have an incredible other-worldly supporting cast like Sideshow Bob, Apu, Ned Flanders, Millhouse, Moe, Krusty The Clown, Patty, and the likes.. but what about the pets of the show most notably Santa's Little Helper and his cohort Snowball the cat? And much love goes out to Snowball who's actual name is Teresa Furball but she was very difficult to get a hold of and is an extremely private feline who basically spends time with her handler and siblings- maybe next time she'll surface and come up for air for an interview.. But Santa's Little Helper- 'SLH' for short, who's real name is Sparky in real life, was more than eager to sit down with me and my bud Jose The Pangolin, who has a very popular podcast called "Wuhan's Most Wanted(WMW)" for a brief one on one interview.

   Now keep in mind that The Simpsons is on its 31st season and is aired in over 200 countries so were not just talking about any ole backyard tied to the fence mutt here. Yes he's not the Mike Jordan of dog actors and probably not even in the top ten of canine thespians but rest assured he could very well be the "Bill Gates or Warren Buffet" of not just dog actors mind you but for the entire animal race hands down. Even a large percentage of humans have to kneel and fetch to his accomplishments and wealth. I know that most of those tales that I recite to you guys are usually animal actors that are in dire straights and not on the up and up but with Santa's Little Helper were talking about a four legged beast that has his own private jet, private island, multiple properties, businesses, and not to mention a venture capital firm. Impressive to say the least. This dog defintely wags his tale with grace and swagger. He sat down with me and Jose over a nice meal, a few bottles of wine, and some shots of tequila one fine evening at Ysabel in West Hollywood and here's how it went..


Jose: Thanks for sitting down with us. Tell me, what do you prefer to be called.. Santa's Little Helper or by your real name which is Sparky?


SLH: Just call me Santa.. that works for me.


Jose: Cool. Very cool! So Santa, how did it go when you first auditioned for The Simpsons which was over three decades ago?


SLH: It went well. Ya know there wasn't too much competition to be honest. Looking back on it now, not a lot of dogs came out for the audition shockingly. Bare in mind Fox was kind of a new network at that time and was on extremely uneasy footing. This is before they even had the NFL on Sunday's so there wasn't much hype for an animated series in development over there. Mr. Peabody from Rocky & Bullwinkle was rumored to be the guy for the role, and it was basically his if he wanted it, but SLH is more of a visual role- there's was any speaking parts for the dog whatsoever and to be truthful Mr. Peabody is really really highbrow and an intellectual type.. and if I recall correctly I heard him tell Matt, the producers, and Fox that the role was beneath him. So yeah I kinda lucked in and got the gig by default. Not saying I didn't earn and work for it 'cause I was damn near homeless going from doghouse to animal shelters doing Off- Broadway and minor throwaway roles for nearly eight years prior to landing the role on The Simpsons.


Jose: Wow, interesting indeed. Little did anyone know..


SLH: Exactly.


Hollywood E: What's Homer, Bart, Marge, and company like off the set when the cameras stop rolling?


SLH: They're petty much all cool, down to earth, and really good humans beings. Homer actually is a health and fitness nut but because of the roll he has to eat a ton shit and drink alcohol nonstop just to keep up the weight up. If he's not on the The Simpsons he's probably looking like a bald Michael Phelps- the Olympic gold medalist swimmer. Bart is cool. Always petting me on the head constantly and throwing me toys to chew on which I like. He had a little bit of a drinking problem around season 12 because he felt his character wasn't growing nor was he physically but he's a good guy. Marge desperately wants to expand her roles that's for sure. The hair and the voice, which is not her true voice in real life, has her handcuffed for other roles and opportunities to say the least so she has her venting periods here and there. I like Lisa alot.. matter of fact we're real close- me and Lisa. Off camera she's also a lot like the character that's on screen- a musical genius that's checking everyone and questioning or going against the flow in almost everything like the plots, script changes, the soundtrack, guest appearances, etc. People complain about her character but trust me the show would be nowhere where it is for today for thirty plus seasons without her. She literally goes over ever joke and gag to see whether it'll translate on the screen or not. As for people I don't like... I will say that Lenny and Chief Wiggum are pieces of shit though. There's always non stop drama when those two are on the set. Fuck them!


Jose: Off camera you have numerous ventures, businesses, and charities happening.. most notably the venture capital firm 'Man's Best Friend'. How's that going?


SLH: Its going great! We're on that path to great and amazing things! Recently we just helped fund a few start ups in tech, pet care, and nutrition. But I really want people to be on the look out for a company we're getting behind called "Rover til Infinity" which is basically a plant based dog and cat food company similar to what Beyond Meat is for our two legged brethren.


Hollywood E: Wow that's dope! They got anything for us elephants and pangolins?


SLH: I'm sure its coming down the pipeline. We just gotta get this initial phase in the books first!


Hollywood E: Cool.. Sounds good! One thing I've been dying to know about you.. Is this level of success a big shock to you or did you always know that you were destined for greatness?


SLH: I knew. I'm from a really humble background. I'm the tenth one born out of a litter of fifteen in Buffalo, NY. I never knew my dad but one of my brothers, Ben, thinks he was that flea ridden stray that lingered in the neighborhood four blocks away from us but we never perused the issue.. What was the point. But yeah back then we didn't have a home and mom struggle to put food in our mouths so yeah I grew up with a chip on my shoulder along with a hard hat mentality. Those nights with no scraps of food still linger inside my head to this very day. I remember it vividly. I'm the poster-canine for pulling oneself up from their bootstraps and making something of themselves. And I well aware that I don't have any lines in the episodes and there's entire weeks where I'm not even on the screen for Chr*t's sake but I still go into each shoot like its my very last. I'm going to bark that bark or release those puppy eyes like my life depends on it! So yeah I knew.. I was going to be "that dog" no matter what it took!


Hollywood E: Powerful! Words to live by.


Jose: Yes Santa, thank you for that. Good stuff indeed. And I must say that we definitely see the passion in your work on every episode and there's no denying that. So what's next for you? You pretty much are set in life and have everything that one can think of.. any passion projects, businesses, or something you want to share with us coming up in the near future?


SLH: Just keep be on the lookout for more episodes of The Simpsons and our plant based company
'Rover til Infinity'. I got other things in the works like maybe a streaming service for animals but I'll leave it at that for now. LOL.


Jose: Wow, incredible! You're on a roll and I'm not talking hot dogs..or maybe I am. Lol.


Hollywood: He's definitely a 'hot dog' right now. Thee 'Hot Dog'! Appreciate it Santa.


Jose: We'll definitely be on the lookout for those projects you mentioned and others. Well we know you're on the move constantly and we are ecstatic that you took time out of your busy tight schedule to sit down with me and Hollywood E this evening. We're going to do one more shot of Agave Tequila before we leave and I just want to say from the bottom of our hearts we are beyond grateful and you are an incredible inspiration and role model for the entire animal kingdom. This was so informative. Thank you Santa and here's to you and thirty more seasons of The Simpsons!


SLH: The pleasure was all mine.. Anytime guys. Thanks!



Hollywood Elephant 

Kimberly Fly

KIMBERLY FLY from 'Breaking Bad' 


   As of late, I've been getting some much needed exercise from my newly minted walks around my neighborhood. Nothing too fancy, but hopefully if I stick with it, it'll branch off into a more intense power walk and/or a light jog. So after I'm done I always step into the 7-11 which is on the way home right around the corner from my apartment for a couple of gallons of water to chug down. Now on this particular day as soon as I step in I run into a fly on wall—but mind you, this is not just any old ordinary fly. This is Kimberly Fly who starred in the Breaking Bad "Fly" episode during season three years ago. Wow, I was geeked! Most wouldn't recognize her but I sure did. Can't lie, and I hate to say this, but she looked a little run down like she wasn't doing her best at the moment. From what I saw it even looked like someone or something had taken a bite out of her left wing upon close inspection as she hovered in front of me while we were standing in line. And yeah she was being an ass as well as she lit up a cigarette inside against the manager's orders not to. "What's your problem, its just a g*ddamn cigarette! Is my pizza ready? How much longer do I have to wait for crying out loud? You guys should throw in a few of those day old wings over there in the display case and a Slurpee while I wait, as much money as I spend in this place!", she screamed out to the cashier Maumoud who I knew personally from my myriad of visits. My gut told me to jump in to ease the situation a bit so I did by telling her how great she was in that episode of Breaking Bad how I heard that another "The Fly" remake could be in the works at Paramount. I hoped that her agent could get her in the mix for that if it even happens of course. She looked at me with a deadpan gaze, exhaled a gust of nicotine in my vicinity, and turned back to Maumoud and said, "How much longer for my freaking pizza man?! At that moment the store's microwave buzzer sounded and her pepperoni pie was immediately boxed up and quickly handed to her.

   After receiving the food her tone changed and reversed immensely for the better. "Thank you", she said kindly. Ah, there was a spell of decency in her, but I guess I spoke to soon 'cause after she bought a cheap lighter and few scratch-offs she turned to me right before leaving and said, "Fuck Breaking Bad. Its the reason I don't do tv anymore. Oh, and did you know that in-between shoots Aaron Paul came to my trailer and put a can of Raid to my head and said give me a blow job or else you're toast! Yeah it turned out to be a joke because the entire cast and crew was in on it and they handed me a cake once we were done filming for my guest appearance and whatnot but screw that. I was #metoo-ed and also later down the line I was the blame for being the problem in what's considered the worst episode of Breaking Bad in its existence, so yeah FUCK THAT SHOW and AMC! They wouldn't be shit without Netflix anyway.. but to you kind sir, take care of yourself and have a good day!"

   She stormed out of there or I should say she flew out with a vengeance! Whew, wow! I was speechless after that. Its such a cold world out here and it was time for me to get home right after that experience. But you know what, my good pal Maumoud gave me a bag of chips and a Slurpee on the house for helping him deal with that situation. Thank you Maumoud and thank you Kimberly Fly!

Maxwell Trunks, aka 

Hollywood Elephant

Scooby-Doo

Scooby-Doo

So I went to a fund raiser the other night for the organization called 'CASA'. That's short for Canine Alcohol and Substance Abuse. The funny thing about it was it was an open-bar event. I was just there in support of a canine friend of mine named Rover who went through a bad period on heroine and coke about a year ago. He found out his owner was about to have him neutered and he freaked out and went off the deep end. I mean listen the guy has fathered ten different dogs on his entire block and the pup support is killing him. I told him being neutered might not be such a bad idea given his current state. He told me to fuck off so I dropped the subject. So we're at this CASA event and everybody is shit faced because like I said its an open-bar event. Its basically a party. Animals celebrating the fact that they are now sober.. at least they were until they stepped foot into a CASA event. There's a stage, a band, a few speeches are said here and there its basically a jolly event.

So as the night progresses out of the blue I hear a few gasps and ohh-ahhs overtaking the room. Then all of a sudden I'm hearing cheers and applause.. And me and Rover are like "what the hell is going on here?!"  Low and behold to everyone's surprise.. SCOOBY motherfucking DOO has entered the building!! WOW! I'm literally speechless. There were many other species of the wild kingdom present but it was a hoot watching every canine present wanting to take a sniff of Scooby's ass.

So anyways the legend and gawd Scooby quickly hits the stage and grabs the microphone and greets everyone present in the building. Its like it was a planned show or something. No awkward clumsy movements. No goofball voice that he has on the cartoon.. he speaks perfect fluent English. I mean the words literally float off the tip of his tongue. And the guy looked great. It was like he was 5 years old (In dog years that's 35 years old people. Get with it!). He wore an immaculate silk suit. Expensive shades. He's puffin' on this majestic pipe full of tobacco (at least I think it was tobacco) while grasping a cocktail of some sort in the other hand.. Hugh Hefner has nothing on this guy. Everybody's literally blown away and mesmerized by him.

After he cordially greets everyone he breaks out with this comedy routine that floors the entire room. No one could stop laughing for two hours straight. He begins to lay everything out on the table.. and its just us animals in the room so he doesn't give a shit who he offends. I knew we were in for a treat when he starts off by saying, "Fuck Scrappy-Doo, we all hated that little piece of shit! Shaggy purposely tried to run him over four times with the Mystery Machine over the course of the show. Hanna-Barbera thought he was a gold mine. May they rest in peace but seriously what the fuck were they thinking! I couldn't even get my good pal Hong Kong Phooey or Dynomutt on the show 'cause of that asshole Scrappy! They thought they would ruin the chemistry between me, Shaggy, and Scrappy. But believe me when I say that Scrappy was an egotistical narcissistic coked out maniac that's basically me being nice and holding my tongue. Ohhh I hated that little piece of shit! Ken Spears and Joe Ruby, the show's creators, said they wanted a new addition to the show. Hell me and Shaggy thought we were finally gonna get some love interest to play opposite of us you know what I'm sayin'.. but no they bring in that dirty little piece of shit." 

He was just getting warmed up too:


"Thelma was the freak. She was Ivy League.. went to Brown University. Extremely smart but a closet repressed nympho. Everybody wanted Daphne but behind closed doors Thelma was fucking everybody!"

"Daphne was actually a hardcore Christian believe it or not. She'd preach to us all the time. But her church didn't like the ghost stories and the subject matter of the show but as soon as the show hit it big she donated like a hundred thousand bucks to her church and best believe they shut the fuck up after that. Her pastor actually told her- keep the ghost stories coming, they're so entertaining. Can you believe that." 

"Of course we were high. It was the 70's. Even the Scooby Snacks were laced with marijuana. Why do you think we loved them so much!"

"I came up with that Scooby-Doo voice and mannerisms for the cartoon one day while having a cup of coffee with Marlon Brando on Melrose Avenue. Ruby and Spears didn't like it at first but when I told them that Brando gave it the okay they backed off. Now the voice is iconic".

"Freddie was a good guy. Me and Shaggy thought he went both ways but nah.. he was just one of those metrosexual fashion dudes".

"I had to bite the shit out of Captain Caveman one day at a private party for the season wrap up of the Laff-A-Lympics. He would always carry that caveman persona outside of the studio. He was literally Captain Caveman on and off the camera. What was I supposed to do, he was scaring the shit out of all the guest at the party."

"Shaggy once told me he secretly wanted to replace Roger Moore and become the next James Bond of the 007 films. I told him, "Shaggy you can do whatever the fuck you wanna do brother. You're a star and don't you ever forget that." Of course we were both wacked out of our minds and high as Mount Everest that evening but whatever!"  

"And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!- George Jetson actually came up with that line at a viewing party thrown by Space Ghost at his home in Highland Park. Of course we took it and ran with it."


--And that's how the night went that particular evening. It was truly amazing. One of the greatest nights of my life. If that was to be a pay-per-view special I'd gladly pay a hundred bucks to hear those stories. There were a lot more of course but they got a little too personal to repeat here to you all.

So if you ever hear about a CASA event or fundraiser going down in your neck of the woods don't walk, run to that bastard as fast as you can. You'll never know who might pop up and worst case scenario its an open bar so drink up and enjoy.



Hollywood Elephant