Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Beverly Hills Chihuahua(Chloe)

I got great respect for Chloe the star of the Beverly Hills Chihuahua films and Taco Bell commercials. She's hands down a great actress from top to bottom.. no question about it. But to those that don't know she's an even better fighter and champion for human and animal rights. This past Thanksgiving holiday weekend she was arrested during the Service Employees International Union(SEIU) march/protest that shut down the intersections of Sepulveda and Century Boulevards right outside of Los Angeles International Airport(LAX). Some union contracts were scraped as well as were the loss of health benefits for employees so something had to be said and done. It was perfectly planned as they shut down the main intersection leading into LAX on the day before Thanksgiving- the busiest travel day of the year. And truthfully I'm giving them a thumbs up only because I wasn't flying that day. Otherwise I'd take a huge shit, literally and figuratively, on the entire event.


I watched the whole thing unfold on local television. As the LAPD began to arrest numerous humans on site, the SPCA was called in to take care of Chloe. She's a chihuahua so yes it was a no frills easy haul. As she was hog-tied and carried away from the scene tv cameras quickly slammed into her face. "This is a disgrace and a travesty to the two legged species!", she yelled out. "Their dinner will now consist of table scraps that used to go to their pets but now will be their main course for food.. and where does that leave the Fido's and Fluffy's of the world?.. Assed out that's where it leaves them! So yes this is a two-fold protest. If humans don't eat, their pets don't eat.. end of story!" She spat out a gooey wad of spit into the camera as the SPCA worker finally muzzled her and tossed her into the back of her vehicle.

 
Profound indeed. It made me seriously ponder the thought of animals still in bondage with their masters. On one hand it can be a really good lifestyle. Endless pampering, food, and love all depending on the owner of course. But on the flip side they have no freedom whatsoever. I have a cousin that's still working in the Ringling Brothers circuit for crying out loud and he's treated like shit. Fuck being a pet and having a master! As I cracked open my third 12 pack of Sam Adams that afternoon I thought for a moment. Have the Fido's and Fluffy's of the world ever had a beer? I'll wait for your response..


Hollywood Elephant

Fritz The Cat

Fritz The Cat

Outside of lions I’m generally pretty good with the feline species. With that said I happened to run into Fritz The Cat at the West Side Bossa Nova Restaurant on Pico Boulevard one fine evening. Fritz is basically still Fritz. I’ve run into this narasistic pseudo intellectual styled prick numerous times so trust me seeing him that night was no big deal. I take that back I love running into Fritz. If I was going to get an earful of nonstop un-remorseful barbs then it might as well be from this guy.

Remembering my large frame from a previous meeting he offered me a seat at his table so I sat my round ass down, ordered about ten plates of food, and began to chew the fat for a bit. I was a bit wasted already. I had partaken in an extremely long pub crawl right before stepping foot in Bossa Nova. I had about four kegs worth of beer in my belly while Fritz on the other hand wasted no time in telling me he was both stoned and drunk at the same time. I told him to tell me something I didn’t know.

He’s a little up in age now but still sporting his tweed blazer and still trying to screw anything moving. His first film aptly titled after himself is the epitome of the rap term- “started with a spark but then it got garbage”. I asked him about the film the last time I ran into him which was at The Pantry in downtown LA. He ran the same splish-splash that he’s regurgitated numerous times on rote memory. He said that Ralph Bakshi and Robert Crumb didn’t see eye to eye. Crumb really never signed on to the project. It was Ralph's first film.. blah blah blah. “Remember he had Mighty Mouse snorting coke on camera on a Saturday morning kids cartoon”, he said in a matter of fact type tone. “And don’t get it twisted, Mighty Mouse still hasn’t recovered from that one fucking episode for Chr*st sakes. He can't even land a background role for a Everest College commercial. You should see him. He’s fat as fuck with thirty four kids. His cape is all torn up. He’s running around town trying to order drinks with an EBT card… But that Sponge Bob stick is all Mighty Mouse”. “But ya know what fuck him he’s a rat. Yeah he’s a rat literally. That mouse shit was just so he could get work. The only true mouse in Hollywood was Jerry from Tom & Jerry and that little piece of shit that worked with your buddy Dumbo in that Disney flick”.

He said he ran into Tom(from Tom & Jerry) not to long ago and gave him hell for the way they let Jerry run all over his ass in the cartoons. "We're still cats at the end of the day, Garfield the Gawd would tell me this every time I ran into him."- Fritz

.. But he was really getting on my bad side with by bringing up Dumbo and he knew it. It was retaliation for me questioning his first film which actually did incredibly well at the box office. See Fritz has really mastered the art of getting under people’s skin in the worst way possible. He sat there right across from me giving the waitress and the manager on duty a bad time telling them that Bossa Nova isn’t Brazilian food. -Its Italian under the guise of Brazilian. He went on and on about numerous topics while sipping on a bottle of craft beer. One was how he’s voting for Mitt Romney not because he’s Republican or his proposals on taxes, fixing the budget, and creating jobs but get this, he’s voting for Romney simply because he’s a Mormon and he hopes one day he passes a law in favor of polygamy before his term is up. “Who wants to fuck the same girl every single day? I sure as hell don’t. Blacks better wake the fuck and smell the coffee before its too late. They like looking at those fat asses but Obama’s a Muslim, every female, no matter the species, will be covered from head to toe wearing a burka before his second term is up, mark my words”, he said that with confidence as if he were Nostradamus.

Actually he’s not a bad guy. He’s rather entertaining to be truthful. I actually was glad I ran into him. I’m a sucker for a good bullshiter as long as he or she doesn't enter the realm of obnoxiousness. There was a method to his madness. Plus he’s not a bitter Hollywood type. Working or not working he’s gonna talk shit and do his thing regardless. We polished off our plates of pasta, downed the remaining drops of ale, and paid the bill and left. He told me to follow him to his car to finish the last of this killer joint he had rolled up before he left the house. I quickly obliged. Killer stories, killer beer, and killer weed- that’s the perfect night if you ask me. After blazing the final puffs of the zig zag I said, "Where to next Fritz?" "Starz strip club in Gardena, It's amateur night!", he yelled out. Ahh what a great night this turned out to be.


Hollywood Elephant

Anaconda

Joe Anaconda

I recently attended a meditation slash wine tasting retreat that was located way out in Temecula about four months ago. I was basically tired and needed a little break from the city. Not to mention I was a little depressed that a cousin of mines got arrested (captured) and sent to a zoo in Ottawa Canada. I would always tell this guy repeatedly not to get drunk and high with every human he came in contact with. Of course it would fall on deaf-giant ears. Some elephants just wont learn.. jeshh.
 
The venue itself was nice especially since they could accommodate my big ass with no problems whatsoever. See I'm really a beer drinker but I'm trying desperately to expand my drinking palate. Over the course of that weekend I literally had Pino Noir and Zinfandel by the barrel-full.. great stuff indeed! While I was there I just so happened to spot a familiar guest by the pool attempting to enjoy himself.. and it was a poor attempt at that. It was Joe the Anaconda from the actual "Anaconda" films. He really tried to play the vacationer role with a button up Hawaiian shirt and a brown derby on top his head. He failed miserably.

Joe Anaconda is fucking huge of course but not as big as he was in the movie. That was the special effects kicking in. He took one sip of red from his wine glass and instantly spat it out on the floor. With his tongue flipping out in all directions he yelled out to a retreat employee -speaking in a snake like lisp, "Fuck this wine shit, you fags got any twelve year scotch back there?" The employee ignored him like he should have and kept moving to wherever he was going. Joe yelled out again, "I'll swallow you whole next time you asshole, this isn't the movies! I told Ice Cube and Jay-Lo and same shit off camera!" He saw me sitting in the background and knew that I heard everything. "What's up Elephant Guy, you know what I'm talkin' about right? Out in the wild anything goes, especially when you're hungry!", he said to me. I simply nodded and waved back to him. I was there to relax and wanted no parts of that discussion whatsoever. Plus he's a snake..and I mean that literally and figuratively.

I heard he was trying to get another Anaconda flick green-lit for the SyFy Channel. I heard he jerked so many people in the industry even Kaa, the snake from Jungle Book. They were supposed to do a sitcom together.. a situational-odd couple type comedy set in a cramped New York City apartment. Joe ended up pocketing the pilot budget and skipping town. What a snake job.. fuck him. I downed another barrel of Pino and retreated back to my room. I did wonder if Joe find some scotch after all? That wine did taste like shit.


Hollywood Elephant

Chewbacca

 

Chewbacca

 

I once had to drop off a human friend of mine who just so happened to stay in South-Central Los Angeles at the time. Yeah the area was a little worn but there's a lot of heart and soul here as well. After dropping my buddy off around the Florence and Western intersection I noticed that I had been driving on a flat tire. Its definitely not out of the ordinary when you weigh over five tons.. believe me. You might think that this was a bad time to get a flat being in the area I was in but au contaire my friend, this is the best place to get a flat tire. Mexican tire shops are in abundance around these parts and I'd definitely be screwed if I caught a flat in Century City or Beverly Hills. The locals there would probably call the Department of Animal Control or the LA Zoo and have me detained and shipped back to the Congo. 

So I slowly pull into this used tire shop on Western in-between Manchester and Florence and a hombre pops up, inspects my damaged goods, and says I need a simple patch job. Perfect, I get it patched up in a jiffy for only ten bucks at that! Out of the blue a late model four door Benz sedan pulls up and I kid you not, out jumps the one and only, seven foot tall CHEWBACCA from the Star Wars fame! Holy Shit!

Now erase Star Wars from your memory for one second here ladies and gentleman. First of all he speaks perfect-fluent-high brow English. I know this because he greeted one of the tire shop employees with a, "What's up Hector, how you doin' brother!". All that grunting and shit that he's know for was just the character he played and nothing more. It was also shocking to see him wearing a blazer, slacks, Italian Loafers, and glasses that suspended rather low on the tip of his nose. See people don't know this but Chewie isn't a Wookie. He's actually the great-great-great-great-great grandson of Sasquatch.

He was friendly too and didn't seem bitter and sour like most former stars who haven't worked in a while or at all. It was refreshing indeed. He popped his trunk and pulled out a spare and told Hector it needed a new valve stem. Hector jumped on it immediately. Chewie greeted me with a, "How you doin' big fella". I quickly shook his paw and told him how he was an inspiration to us all.. and that Star Wars would be nothing to this very day without his grand contribution to the series. I had to add that extra little bit at the end. You could tell he was a good guy with a good heart.

He said it was a nice run and basically it was just one era of his life. The role doesn't define him, it was simply a job that had a paycheck attached to it. I soon found out he actually owned that tire particular tire shop I was at and he has two other shops as well.. One in Hawthorne and another in Gardena as well as five coin operated car washes scattered throughout the county. So yeah he's doing rather well for himself despite not being on the big screen in decades(The Chewbacca in the prequels were CGI). You know he had to give me a few tid-bits from the Trilogy. He told me.. and this is from his own mouth: 

-Harrison Ford couldn't really fly the Millennium Falcon, Billy Dee Williams was the better pilot by far.

-He unknowingly drove Carrie Fisher to a dope house to buy coke in between shoots on the 'Empire Strikes Back' Hoth scenes. How she found a coke spot by the ice glacier in Norway is still a mystery to him.

-C3PO was a gay(we all knew this)

-Alec Guinness constantly joked off camera that his light saber was the same size of his cock.

-Darth Vader argued constantly with George Lucas over the script. He said Luke Skywalker should've died in 'A New Hope'(the first Star Wars film).. and was pissed that he never got to shoot lightning bolts from his hands.

-Everyone almost walked off the set in 'Return Of The Jedi' in protest of the Ewoks. Chewie said he even strangled a couple of Ewoks to death off camera in between takes in the Redwood National Forest. They hated them that much.

-There's a hidden footage stored in a vault somewhere at Lucas' Ranch of Jabba The Hut fingering Princess Leia

-Yoda can drink a case of beer in like twenty minutes flat. And he would toke reefer in his trailer at the end of every shoot.

-When he first saw Jar Jar Binks on screen and Samuel Jackson as a Jedi Master he knew that George Lucas was done and Star Wars was now a shitty franchise.




..... Chewie literally went on and on. I could go on with these forever because I talked to him for like a hour and a half. He's doing good though and that was really good to see. Also on another note, the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree as his son is the star of all those Jack Link's Beef Jerky commercials! The linage continues my friends. May the force be with you Chewie.. and your son too!




Hollywood Elephant

Kermit The Frog

 

 Kermit The Frog

About a year ago I was heavily in the mist of completing a script that was going to be the blueprint for a reboot of  the classic film 'The Elephant Man'.. only this time with a real elephant as the lead and not some shitty looking grotesque human being walking around London England with a sack on his head. On this particular night I had a bad case of writer's block -slash procrastination- slash why in the fuck am I even writing this bullshit because nobody is going to read it.. so I pulled myself away from the laptop and stepped out for a second to clear my head and grab something to eat. Pulling up into the local CVS to grab a few pounds of snacks I notice the inside is rather dead for a Saturday Night. As I lumber to the back of the store to raid the candy isle I take a quick gaze at the Pharmacy to the left and suddenly I stop dead in my tracks. It can't be.. What the fuck, low and behold standing in the pharmaceutical line is the one and only KERMIT THE FROG! OMG!!

This is the only freaking Amphibian to have a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame! Let me repeat that.. He has a fucking star on the walk of fame ladies and gentleman. Are you not entertained?! Thee gawd Kermit Thee Frog!

Now to be honest I had to hold back from approaching him a little bit. I had to use caution and be very respectful here. See unbeknownst to the average two legged human.. and let me tell you this is not something you will learn from TMZ, The View, Entertainment Tonight, or any of that other bullshit pseudo news source that proliferate in today's landscape. Many people don't know this.. but Kermit The Frog is "CONNECTED". And I do mean connected in a very real way! He's connected to the Italian mob, the black gangs(Bloods, Crips, Boule), The Mexican gangs(13's/14's/Mexican Mafia/Drug Cartels), The Russians, Jewish Mafia, The rich whites with the Skull & Bones, The Gay Mafia, etc. etc. etc.. To sum it all up, you do not want to fuck with Kermit trust me! Its not a game with this guy. Sesame Street and The Muppets is great television, we all grew up on it but behind closed doors you're walking down a slippery slope if you cross this guy.

There was a rumor floating out there that before Jim Henson discovered him in the rural Mississippi Delta its believed that he had killed two Southern rednecks because they tried to shoot him for his frog legs. That's actually a true story but you didn't hear that from me. I heard he used to frequent juke joints, start fights, killed a few toads and frogs along the way who so happened to step on one of his various array of exotic Lilly pads. There's literally all kinds of stories and myths floating out there about the guy.. And its not that he was a bad seed or a evil guy but its just that he's so genuine and authentic that everyone was drawn into him and his magnetic aura. In reality he's a fucking frog but yet he could run for the presidency of the United States and probably win!

I remember hearing this story about his best friend Fozzy Bear, who was really out of control back in the Muppets heyday- A truly terrible individual, always coked up starting shit wherever they would go. Well one time Miss Piggy's younger sister, Miss Wiggly, was seriously trying to break into showbiz like her big sister. Miss Wiggly wasn't as talented as Miss Piggy but her chest region was way bigger.. and that goes a long way in Hollywood trust me. So there was a small part just perfect for her in the film "The Muppets Take Manhattan" and it was her's for the taking because well she's Piggy's little sister and Miss Piggy was no slouch back in the day. She was star power. But Fozzy shows up on the set probably drunk out of his mind and says, "Fuck that, this bitch hasn't paid any dues like the rest of us". Now mind you Fozzy had some serious pull back then 'cause he was with Kermit. That was Kermit's guy. He goes ballistic on Miss Wiggly saying, "If she wants in on The Muppets Take Manhattan then I wanna see her give Gonzo a blow job right now in front of everybody".

That sets off a frenzy. The director doesn't know what to do. The producer is on the phone calling the studio. Miss Wiggly is crushed, tears are streaming from her face. Gonzo on the other hand is happy as hell. Miss Wiggly calls her sister up telling her about Fozzy going ham on her while on set. Miss Piggy, pissed as hell, then calls Kermit.. and in a strange twist of fate Kermit informs Miss Piggy that Fozzy is 100% correct and that Miss Wiggly not only has to give Gonzo a blow job she has to give Rowlf The Dog one too. He elaborates saying in other words, she hasn't paid any dues, get her off the set, have her take some acting and singing lessons, and we'll get her an appearance on another show later down the line. Kermit didn't play when it came to The Muppets or anything he was involved in. She later got a few appearances on Fraggle Rock but ended up getting hooked on methamphetamine, flaming out, and winding up in a crappy Jimmy Dean sausage factory somewhere in Texas. He's as real as it gets.

Sorry I got carried away but back to me spotting him at the CVS that Saturday night.. I simply said hello to him and told him that I was a huge fan of his work, and this is a dream come true meeting him and yada yada. He nodded in his simple calm demenor, shook my front foot and said, "Thanks, Its a pleasure meeting you and please, please leave at least one box of Red Vines for me over there in the candy isle, I know how you guys eat". I laughed with a sheepish boyish grin and said, "You got it kind sir I'll do just that." I didn't wash my foot for two weeks straight!




Hollywood Elephant

Jaws

 

Jaws

In my honest opinion I thought Jaws was a fish that was not to be fucked with under any circumstances whatsoever on or off camera. I mean you got guys like Charlie Tuna whom I've had the pleasure of meeting.. Great guy despite the fact that he sold his soul and his species out for a quick buck. Moby Dick is cool and very down to earth once you get him out of water. He's actually doing motivational speaking these days. But JAWS.. we're talking Jaws here people- The ultimate bad ass! Those teeth of his weren't special effects. Humans were literally scared to go into the water when this film dropped. Every animal I've ever known has secretly rooted for this guy in all the films even though we all knew he would get the shaft at the end of the day. In my mind he was the ultimate-gangster-bad ass-hooligan-thug you didn't want to bump into while walking down your favorite shoreline. Fuck Darth Vader, Jaws was THAT GUY! But boy was I ever so wrong.. nothing could be further from the truth ladies and gentlemen. Hate to burst your bubble and it really hurts me to say this but Jaws is a flaming homosexual. Nothing against gay people or that lifestyle but in all honesty it was a crushing blow to my psyche... and it went like this:

So I'm out with my elephant lady-friend one evening. I had her flown in from Chad two days ago(shipped in actually).. And I'm showing her around the town and all.. Hermosa Beach, Dodger Stadium, Sunset Boulevard, you know all the usual bullshit. So after a while she tells me she's hungry and of course I'm hungry too. Hey we're elephants, we eat and shit, and then we eat some more- its what we do. So I see Berri's on 3rd Street and pull up and valet the ride. We step into the joint and low and behold there's Jaws sitting right there in the front of the restaurant right by the door! I'm excited-mind blown like, "Oh shit its the gawd Jaws!!" But for some strange reason I notice he has on fake eyelashes, skinny jeans, and a ton of lip gloss smeared across his lips. Then I slow down and I turn to my girl and say, "What the fuck, is that Jaws??" But it is him. My girl confirmed that 100% he was definitely Jaws.

So the hostess seats me and my girl a few tables over from the icon and I'm like fuck it I got to 'give it up' a bit so I give a little shout out to Jaws. I say something to the effect of, "Love your work Jaws, you're an inspiration to us all". Now those menacing teeth are still scary as hell but the effect is thrown off as he blushed like a little girl at the comment while batting his eyelashes. He then replies in a real extremely feminine voice, "Thank you sweetie, you guys look cute together. I just love your big bodies, especially your trunks. You can use them for sooooo many things."

I literally didn't know what the fuck to say. I just simply smiled back and buried my face into the menu. It didn't end.. At that moment in comes JabberJaw happily bursting through the doors wearing lipstick, Capri pants, fashionable eyewear, and red bottomed pumps! I'm like "Not JabberJaw too!" Upon seeing JabberJaw, Jaws hopes out of his seat in excitement and screams out, "Hey boo, what took you so long?" "Girl I was getting my eyebrows done, that bitch was taking her sweet time. I was like bitch I gots to go okaaaay", he replied. That voice shocked me 'cause in the cartoon JabberJaw sounds like one of The Three Stooges but not today.

They hugged briefly then Jaws slipped back into his seat once more and to my chagrin JabberJaw sits right on Jaws lap. Jaws then smacks Jabber on his buttocks and says, "You keepin' it tight for daddy huh?" Jabber cracked a smile and replied, "Well you better hurry up and put a ring on it 'cause Donkey from Shrek is trying to get at me and he stays working unlike some people around here." Jaws frowned up and quickly snapped back, "I'mma call Spielberg up this week and see what's going on with a Jaws reboot".

Even though my girl thought they were adorable, I had heard enough. We ordered our five pound salads to go and got the hell out of there. It was just too much to take in at one time. That was something that needed to soak in gradually over the course of time. My girl thanked me for the outing as we drove back to my apartment. She loved every minute of it as she began texting her friends back in Chad about hobnobbing and carousing with celebrities. As I hit the on-ramp to the 10 freeway going East I still couldn't believe what just took place. Jaws???


Hollywood Elephant

Charlotte's Web

 

Charlotte's Web

 

 

Charlotte the barn spider was very cool when I bumped into her at a Starbucks in North Hollywood about six months ago. Still pretty and attractive, her eyes, all eight of them, captivated my soul. I almost stepped on her twice sad to say. But she was cool about it.. she teaches a method acting class at some spot I forgot where. I really didn't give a shit. I asked her was she still auditioning and acting and whatnot, she said no. After raising about thousand kids throughout the years, and loosing about nine hundred of them, she doesn't have the hunger nor the drive anymore.. Sad indeed.

Of course I had to ask about the filming of  "Charlotte's Web" and what was it like working with Wilbur the pig. She said he's very kind, professional, and very talented on the set but off-camera she was repulsed as he would literally roll around in his own shit and would eat out of the trash can dumpsters constantly. While she was in makeup he would have to get hosed down with soap and water before every scene. She said they even had to hose down the inside of his mouth because his breath smelled like a septic tank. But she still said she wouldn't exchange the experience for nothing in the world. We need more people, I mean spiders, like Charlotte. God bless her soul...



Hollywood Elephant

Toucan Sam

Toucan Sam

When I first met Toucan Sam it was at a fashion show fundraiser in outskirts of Panama City, Panama about three years ago. Now let me say that this bird is the epitome of longevity in the business. Because of the high sugar content in Fruity Loops the shit literally flies off the shelves in supermarkets thus enabling Sam to have one of the best gigs in Hollywood. What can I say I’m in awe of the guy. He’s been hocking sugary cereal to hyperactive adolescents since 1960. 

So anyways here I was at this fashion show and after the show there was an after party at this banquet hall which was only a few blocks down the street. So I’m at the bar with my usual ten pound mixed green salad and three pitchers of Amstel Light and to the right of me about ten feet away is Toucan Sam drunk as shit dancing all by himself yelling out things like, “Fuck Kelloggs, I should've landed the lead in Rio", "I'm a real actor", "I wish I was Jewish", and things of that sort over and over again to whoever would listen to his shenanigans. Next he was trying to quote a line from Shakespeare but he couldn't remember the line in his inebriated state. Then all of a sudden he takes flight and begins to fly around the entire bar in circles. While in the air he almost dropped a wad of bird shit on the bartender but missed.. it actually landed in the drink of a giraffe. Everybody started to freak out at the sight. I’m worried ‘cause he's a legend in the animal kingdom and I actually respect this guy. So I flag him down and finally he stops flying around, apologizes to everyone, and takes a seat next to me. I buy him a drink, Hennessy straight up, and he begins to pour his soul out too me.

He’s blabbering on and on about how he wants to be taken seriously as an actor and how the big dogs at Kelloggs won’t let him flex his true acting chops in the commercials. Instead of flying around-sniffing out the nearest bowl of Fruity Loops he wants to do an abstract styled Kelloggs commercial where the Fruity Loops hover in the air, grow larger and expand.. then he would fly up to each one and stick his huge colorful beak into each ring- sort of like a sexual thing...huh yeah you get the picture, the convo was very weird and crazy as shit. I can't even look at another Fruity Loops commercial to this very day because of that story. He also told me that the rumor of him almost getting his head cut off and his body parts fried up for a dinner was true. At an awards ceremony a few years ago, he insulted the wife of a Sony executive telling her that "once you go Beak, your knees stay Weak".

Long live Toucan,



Hollywood Elephant