Anaconda

Joe Anaconda

I recently attended a meditation slash wine tasting retreat that was located way out in Temecula about four months ago. I was basically tired and needed a little break from the city. Not to mention I was a little depressed that a cousin of mines got arrested (captured) and sent to a zoo in Ottawa Canada. I would always tell this guy repeatedly not to get drunk and high with every human he came in contact with. Of course it would fall on deaf-giant ears. Some elephants just wont learn.. jeshh.
 
The venue itself was nice especially since they could accommodate my big ass with no problems whatsoever. See I'm really a beer drinker but I'm trying desperately to expand my drinking palate. Over the course of that weekend I literally had Pino Noir and Zinfandel by the barrel-full.. great stuff indeed! While I was there I just so happened to spot a familiar guest by the pool attempting to enjoy himself.. and it was a poor attempt at that. It was Joe the Anaconda from the actual "Anaconda" films. He really tried to play the vacationer role with a button up Hawaiian shirt and a brown derby on top his head. He failed miserably.

Joe Anaconda is fucking huge of course but not as big as he was in the movie. That was the special effects kicking in. He took one sip of red from his wine glass and instantly spat it out on the floor. With his tongue flipping out in all directions he yelled out to a retreat employee -speaking in a snake like lisp, "Fuck this wine shit, you fags got any twelve year scotch back there?" The employee ignored him like he should have and kept moving to wherever he was going. Joe yelled out again, "I'll swallow you whole next time you asshole, this isn't the movies! I told Ice Cube and Jay-Lo and same shit off camera!" He saw me sitting in the background and knew that I heard everything. "What's up Elephant Guy, you know what I'm talkin' about right? Out in the wild anything goes, especially when you're hungry!", he said to me. I simply nodded and waved back to him. I was there to relax and wanted no parts of that discussion whatsoever. Plus he's a snake..and I mean that literally and figuratively.

I heard he was trying to get another Anaconda flick green-lit for the SyFy Channel. I heard he jerked so many people in the industry even Kaa, the snake from Jungle Book. They were supposed to do a sitcom together.. a situational-odd couple type comedy set in a cramped New York City apartment. Joe ended up pocketing the pilot budget and skipping town. What a snake job.. fuck him. I downed another barrel of Pino and retreated back to my room. I did wonder if Joe find some scotch after all? That wine did taste like shit.


Hollywood Elephant