Kermit The Frog

 

 Kermit The Frog

About a year ago I was heavily in the mist of completing a script that was going to be the blueprint for a reboot of  the classic film 'The Elephant Man'.. only this time with a real elephant as the lead and not some shitty looking grotesque human being walking around London England with a sack on his head. On this particular night I had a bad case of writer's block -slash procrastination- slash why in the fuck am I even writing this bullshit because nobody is going to read it.. so I pulled myself away from the laptop and stepped out for a second to clear my head and grab something to eat. Pulling up into the local CVS to grab a few pounds of snacks I notice the inside is rather dead for a Saturday Night. As I lumber to the back of the store to raid the candy isle I take a quick gaze at the Pharmacy to the left and suddenly I stop dead in my tracks. It can't be.. What the fuck, low and behold standing in the pharmaceutical line is the one and only KERMIT THE FROG! OMG!!

This is the only freaking Amphibian to have a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame! Let me repeat that.. He has a fucking star on the walk of fame ladies and gentleman. Are you not entertained?! Thee gawd Kermit Thee Frog!

Now to be honest I had to hold back from approaching him a little bit. I had to use caution and be very respectful here. See unbeknownst to the average two legged human.. and let me tell you this is not something you will learn from TMZ, The View, Entertainment Tonight, or any of that other bullshit pseudo news source that proliferate in today's landscape. Many people don't know this.. but Kermit The Frog is "CONNECTED". And I do mean connected in a very real way! He's connected to the Italian mob, the black gangs(Bloods, Crips, Boule), The Mexican gangs(13's/14's/Mexican Mafia/Drug Cartels), The Russians, Jewish Mafia, The rich whites with the Skull & Bones, The Gay Mafia, etc. etc. etc.. To sum it all up, you do not want to fuck with Kermit trust me! Its not a game with this guy. Sesame Street and The Muppets is great television, we all grew up on it but behind closed doors you're walking down a slippery slope if you cross this guy.

There was a rumor floating out there that before Jim Henson discovered him in the rural Mississippi Delta its believed that he had killed two Southern rednecks because they tried to shoot him for his frog legs. That's actually a true story but you didn't hear that from me. I heard he used to frequent juke joints, start fights, killed a few toads and frogs along the way who so happened to step on one of his various array of exotic Lilly pads. There's literally all kinds of stories and myths floating out there about the guy.. And its not that he was a bad seed or a evil guy but its just that he's so genuine and authentic that everyone was drawn into him and his magnetic aura. In reality he's a fucking frog but yet he could run for the presidency of the United States and probably win!

I remember hearing this story about his best friend Fozzy Bear, who was really out of control back in the Muppets heyday- A truly terrible individual, always coked up starting shit wherever they would go. Well one time Miss Piggy's younger sister, Miss Wiggly, was seriously trying to break into showbiz like her big sister. Miss Wiggly wasn't as talented as Miss Piggy but her chest region was way bigger.. and that goes a long way in Hollywood trust me. So there was a small part just perfect for her in the film "The Muppets Take Manhattan" and it was her's for the taking because well she's Piggy's little sister and Miss Piggy was no slouch back in the day. She was star power. But Fozzy shows up on the set probably drunk out of his mind and says, "Fuck that, this bitch hasn't paid any dues like the rest of us". Now mind you Fozzy had some serious pull back then 'cause he was with Kermit. That was Kermit's guy. He goes ballistic on Miss Wiggly saying, "If she wants in on The Muppets Take Manhattan then I wanna see her give Gonzo a blow job right now in front of everybody".

That sets off a frenzy. The director doesn't know what to do. The producer is on the phone calling the studio. Miss Wiggly is crushed, tears are streaming from her face. Gonzo on the other hand is happy as hell. Miss Wiggly calls her sister up telling her about Fozzy going ham on her while on set. Miss Piggy, pissed as hell, then calls Kermit.. and in a strange twist of fate Kermit informs Miss Piggy that Fozzy is 100% correct and that Miss Wiggly not only has to give Gonzo a blow job she has to give Rowlf The Dog one too. He elaborates saying in other words, she hasn't paid any dues, get her off the set, have her take some acting and singing lessons, and we'll get her an appearance on another show later down the line. Kermit didn't play when it came to The Muppets or anything he was involved in. She later got a few appearances on Fraggle Rock but ended up getting hooked on methamphetamine, flaming out, and winding up in a crappy Jimmy Dean sausage factory somewhere in Texas. He's as real as it gets.

Sorry I got carried away but back to me spotting him at the CVS that Saturday night.. I simply said hello to him and told him that I was a huge fan of his work, and this is a dream come true meeting him and yada yada. He nodded in his simple calm demenor, shook my front foot and said, "Thanks, Its a pleasure meeting you and please, please leave at least one box of Red Vines for me over there in the candy isle, I know how you guys eat". I laughed with a sheepish boyish grin and said, "You got it kind sir I'll do just that." I didn't wash my foot for two weeks straight!




Hollywood Elephant

Jaws

 

Jaws

In my honest opinion I thought Jaws was a fish that was not to be fucked with under any circumstances whatsoever on or off camera. I mean you got guys like Charlie Tuna whom I've had the pleasure of meeting.. Great guy despite the fact that he sold his soul and his species out for a quick buck. Moby Dick is cool and very down to earth once you get him out of water. He's actually doing motivational speaking these days. But JAWS.. we're talking Jaws here people- The ultimate bad ass! Those teeth of his weren't special effects. Humans were literally scared to go into the water when this film dropped. Every animal I've ever known has secretly rooted for this guy in all the films even though we all knew he would get the shaft at the end of the day. In my mind he was the ultimate-gangster-bad ass-hooligan-thug you didn't want to bump into while walking down your favorite shoreline. Fuck Darth Vader, Jaws was THAT GUY! But boy was I ever so wrong.. nothing could be further from the truth ladies and gentlemen. Hate to burst your bubble and it really hurts me to say this but Jaws is a flaming homosexual. Nothing against gay people or that lifestyle but in all honesty it was a crushing blow to my psyche... and it went like this:

So I'm out with my elephant lady-friend one evening. I had her flown in from Chad two days ago(shipped in actually).. And I'm showing her around the town and all.. Hermosa Beach, Dodger Stadium, Sunset Boulevard, you know all the usual bullshit. So after a while she tells me she's hungry and of course I'm hungry too. Hey we're elephants, we eat and shit, and then we eat some more- its what we do. So I see Berri's on 3rd Street and pull up and valet the ride. We step into the joint and low and behold there's Jaws sitting right there in the front of the restaurant right by the door! I'm excited-mind blown like, "Oh shit its the gawd Jaws!!" But for some strange reason I notice he has on fake eyelashes, skinny jeans, and a ton of lip gloss smeared across his lips. Then I slow down and I turn to my girl and say, "What the fuck, is that Jaws??" But it is him. My girl confirmed that 100% he was definitely Jaws.

So the hostess seats me and my girl a few tables over from the icon and I'm like fuck it I got to 'give it up' a bit so I give a little shout out to Jaws. I say something to the effect of, "Love your work Jaws, you're an inspiration to us all". Now those menacing teeth are still scary as hell but the effect is thrown off as he blushed like a little girl at the comment while batting his eyelashes. He then replies in a real extremely feminine voice, "Thank you sweetie, you guys look cute together. I just love your big bodies, especially your trunks. You can use them for sooooo many things."

I literally didn't know what the fuck to say. I just simply smiled back and buried my face into the menu. It didn't end.. At that moment in comes JabberJaw happily bursting through the doors wearing lipstick, Capri pants, fashionable eyewear, and red bottomed pumps! I'm like "Not JabberJaw too!" Upon seeing JabberJaw, Jaws hopes out of his seat in excitement and screams out, "Hey boo, what took you so long?" "Girl I was getting my eyebrows done, that bitch was taking her sweet time. I was like bitch I gots to go okaaaay", he replied. That voice shocked me 'cause in the cartoon JabberJaw sounds like one of The Three Stooges but not today.

They hugged briefly then Jaws slipped back into his seat once more and to my chagrin JabberJaw sits right on Jaws lap. Jaws then smacks Jabber on his buttocks and says, "You keepin' it tight for daddy huh?" Jabber cracked a smile and replied, "Well you better hurry up and put a ring on it 'cause Donkey from Shrek is trying to get at me and he stays working unlike some people around here." Jaws frowned up and quickly snapped back, "I'mma call Spielberg up this week and see what's going on with a Jaws reboot".

Even though my girl thought they were adorable, I had heard enough. We ordered our five pound salads to go and got the hell out of there. It was just too much to take in at one time. That was something that needed to soak in gradually over the course of time. My girl thanked me for the outing as we drove back to my apartment. She loved every minute of it as she began texting her friends back in Chad about hobnobbing and carousing with celebrities. As I hit the on-ramp to the 10 freeway going East I still couldn't believe what just took place. Jaws???


Hollywood Elephant

Charlotte's Web

 

Charlotte's Web

 

 

Charlotte the barn spider was very cool when I bumped into her at a Starbucks in North Hollywood about six months ago. Still pretty and attractive, her eyes, all eight of them, captivated my soul. I almost stepped on her twice sad to say. But she was cool about it.. she teaches a method acting class at some spot I forgot where. I really didn't give a shit. I asked her was she still auditioning and acting and whatnot, she said no. After raising about thousand kids throughout the years, and loosing about nine hundred of them, she doesn't have the hunger nor the drive anymore.. Sad indeed.

Of course I had to ask about the filming of  "Charlotte's Web" and what was it like working with Wilbur the pig. She said he's very kind, professional, and very talented on the set but off-camera she was repulsed as he would literally roll around in his own shit and would eat out of the trash can dumpsters constantly. While she was in makeup he would have to get hosed down with soap and water before every scene. She said they even had to hose down the inside of his mouth because his breath smelled like a septic tank. But she still said she wouldn't exchange the experience for nothing in the world. We need more people, I mean spiders, like Charlotte. God bless her soul...



Hollywood Elephant

Toucan Sam

Toucan Sam

When I first met Toucan Sam it was at a fashion show fundraiser in outskirts of Panama City, Panama about three years ago. Now let me say that this bird is the epitome of longevity in the business. Because of the high sugar content in Fruity Loops the shit literally flies off the shelves in supermarkets thus enabling Sam to have one of the best gigs in Hollywood. What can I say I’m in awe of the guy. He’s been hocking sugary cereal to hyperactive adolescents since 1960. 

So anyways here I was at this fashion show and after the show there was an after party at this banquet hall which was only a few blocks down the street. So I’m at the bar with my usual ten pound mixed green salad and three pitchers of Amstel Light and to the right of me about ten feet away is Toucan Sam drunk as shit dancing all by himself yelling out things like, “Fuck Kelloggs, I should've landed the lead in Rio", "I'm a real actor", "I wish I was Jewish", and things of that sort over and over again to whoever would listen to his shenanigans. Next he was trying to quote a line from Shakespeare but he couldn't remember the line in his inebriated state. Then all of a sudden he takes flight and begins to fly around the entire bar in circles. While in the air he almost dropped a wad of bird shit on the bartender but missed.. it actually landed in the drink of a giraffe. Everybody started to freak out at the sight. I’m worried ‘cause he's a legend in the animal kingdom and I actually respect this guy. So I flag him down and finally he stops flying around, apologizes to everyone, and takes a seat next to me. I buy him a drink, Hennessy straight up, and he begins to pour his soul out too me.

He’s blabbering on and on about how he wants to be taken seriously as an actor and how the big dogs at Kelloggs won’t let him flex his true acting chops in the commercials. Instead of flying around-sniffing out the nearest bowl of Fruity Loops he wants to do an abstract styled Kelloggs commercial where the Fruity Loops hover in the air, grow larger and expand.. then he would fly up to each one and stick his huge colorful beak into each ring- sort of like a sexual thing...huh yeah you get the picture, the convo was very weird and crazy as shit. I can't even look at another Fruity Loops commercial to this very day because of that story. He also told me that the rumor of him almost getting his head cut off and his body parts fried up for a dinner was true. At an awards ceremony a few years ago, he insulted the wife of a Sony executive telling her that "once you go Beak, your knees stay Weak".

Long live Toucan,



Hollywood Elephant