The Baltimore Oriole

                                                         

Oriole Mike  

   I must say its been some strange state of affairs these days with Mr. Covid-19 rummaging around in the air both literally and figuratively as it continues to lay to waste to every industry it can get its filthy hands on. Personally, and just like everybody else, I'm exhausted, disgusted, and sick of the entire ordeal. Its a like ugly bad dream that just won't go away. Lately I've been taking long drives just to keep my sanity and clear my head of this whole mess. Believe me when I say 'long drives' because this time I made my way from LA clear all the way out to the East Coast to see a good long time friend of mine in the Baltimore-DC area. Of course getting a big spread prepared and cracking open a few hundred cold ones was on the docket later so I just so happened to come across a Giant Food Supermarket right off the 97 Bypass in Glen Burnie which worked out perfect as far as timing and convenience goes. Parking was no issue at all but as I'm walking towards the entrance to the store I had to immediately stop dead in my tracks, do a double-take, and stare intently to discover.. "Is that Mike the mascot for the Baltimore Orioles aka Oriole Mike?" -who in fact is an actual Baltimore Oriole bird in real life by the way. 

Once I got closer.. closer.. and even more closer.. It was plain as day, yep it was in fact him alright live and in the flesh! Wow, who would've thought I'd run into an icon and a legend in a low budget parking lot of all places! Now I must say that the one eye-popping thing about Oriole Mike was that radiate extra wide smile of his! That reliable chubby grin that could be seen from miles away. The beloved smile that adorned the magnificent burnt orange and black Oriole ballcaps that became a gold standard in the city's pride, branding, and identity.. And quite frankly a smile that could surely brighten up a cold, dark, and morbid day. With that being said it tears me to pieces to tell you that 'the famous smile' of his was nowhere to be seen nor found on this revealing afternoon as he was currently going at it in with the store manager and security guard which was about him refusing to wear a face mask while inside the store. Now it was well known in the animal world that Mike wasn't really political and his 'refusal to wear a mask' stance wasn't because he's some right wing fanatic who thinks Covid is overblown and media driven.. From what I hear he just doesn't want to wear one because he still thinks its still the '70's, 80's, and 90's when the Orioles were great and believes he still has status within the community and all over the state of Maryland. While it was going down, me and numerous others couldn't help but to stand there and gawk at him berate those two guys who were simply trying to keep the customers and employees safe in this terrible time. 

"You wouldn't demand I wear a mask if I was -may he rest in peace- Earl Weaver would you? You sure as hell wouldn't do that to Cal Rip, Eddie Murray, or Jim Palmer I know that for sure!", he said lashing out-laughing in disrespectful tone. 

"I don't believe it would even be a problem with Cal, Eddie, or Jim wearing a mask inside the store. I believe they're good upstanding individuals who would be happy to wear masks to help assist in everyone's safety from the Corona Virus", replied the manager. 

That sent Mike to another zone and he was on the verge of blowing a gasket when I decided enough of this shit and stuck my long trunk into the fray to be of assistance. I never want see animal legends go out like this and he even took it up a notch when he yelled out..

"Black Birds Matter motherfucker!" 

Only a goofball would say some shit like that not to mention he's not African- American but outside of that orange patch on his chest lets just say I didn't want to see these guys have to call the cops on him in this climate. But anyways I jumped in it because it just so happened that I had an extra jumbo dumbo mask on me and to make a long story short I completely defused the situation and successfully got Mike to cut the crap and put the mask on which in fact did. Great!

Now that was over with we were now inside the store we chatting away and all the while you could tell he was viably upset that Corona had put the season on hold and it pretty much left him with quite frankly too much free time on his hands. In fact he said the mask thing outside was just him pulling their strings. Right now he really misses the crowds or lack there-of. Beer being dumped on people in the lower levels. The hissing. The losses and the boos. His big infectious smile came back as he showed me his mask that he had hidden- stuffed under is left wing. 

"Come one man I always have my mask on me are you crazy! I represent a billion dollar franchise for Chr*st sake! I just gotta see if they still love us out here that's all. Do they still fuck with the Birds.. we gotta know this stuff man 'cause I mean we're not that team that we were back in the heydays in case you haven't noticed."

"Oh I've noticed. Nice stadium you guys have though. I know you know this but that building started.." 

-Oriole Mike cut me off in mid sentence and finished my statement in a whiny mimicry fashion..

"... It started thee entire retro stadium craze.. Yeah I know. Blah blah blah. Ya know what fuck Camden Yards! I fly up and take big dumps on top of the warehouse roof almost everyday just for the hell of it. Give me old Memorial Stadium any ole day over that tourist trap that we have now. Memorial Stadium is when we were kings of the land my friend! Outside of the meltdown to Pittsburgh in '79 that stadium was an institution. I would be all over the place and once Wild Bill Hagy got ten beers in his system and got the crowd going from the upper deck with his substandard O-R-I-O-L-E-S chant that comeback, if we were down, was imminent! Now I will say that Cal Ripkin and the consecutive game streak was great for Camden and baseball in general but since Machado, Britton, and Adam Jones left its been a different world for us that's for sure. I really don't even recognize this club anymore. Fucking Nationals coming into our market and winning it all last season. Unbelievable!", he lamented while stuffing about twenty off brand frozen pizzas into his cart. I didn't give a shit but he felt a little guilty about it..

"Man I don't give a shit these days. I literally wake up to pizza and gin every single morning. But now when I'm in shape and in the gym gettin' it every day, they'll switch the logo and hats up and put my entire body on full display. When go through spells of letting myself go they switch back up to the 'happy face' silhouette logo. Its whatever. It is what it is bro. Its life."

I stopped by in the meat isle and was hesitant to grab some chicken in front of him.

"Oh I eat bird all the time.. no biggie. Do your thing man. I had some tenders in the Harbor last night as a matter of fact.", he said without the slightest of cares in the world. It was music to my ears as I reached into the icy refrigerator and grabbed ten packs of drumettes. He then proceeded to tell me crazy hilarious stories involving guys like Doug DeCinces, Frank Robinson, Jack Dempsey, Al Bumbry, and Kenny Singleton. They were great.. I loved them. After we paid for our items and walked out he thanked me for stepping in like I did saying that, believe it or not, he was actually ready to go to jail if nobody cared to intervene and stop him from his own actions that he created. That was followed by an self admission that he once had a heroine addiction for a short period of time right after Earl Weaver passed in 2013.. And it was in fact the fans who scolded him and told him to get his shit together when they once caught him wobbling-stumbling out of a popular crab house restroom stall with a hypodermic needle still sticking-attached to his wing flap..

"What's the matter with you Mike? You're not a Eagle or a Falcon or even a Peacock for g*d's sake! You're a shit bird like a sparrow. Have some pride in yourself," is what they told me to my face as I was so high I could barely stand on my own two let alone fly. And truthfully they were right."

"That you were a shit bird like a sparrow?", I asked. 

"No man.. It was the part where I needed to have pride in myself which also gave the team pride ya know. Its about the team and the concept of team. I'll tell ya what I sobered up and got my act together right then and there on the spot and have been clean since. Well I do have a bump from time to time- here and there but who's counting that. Man those seasons are long as shit especially if you're not winning. Sometimes the fans don't want to cheer and get rowdy no matter what you do out there during the game. Its a tough business that I wouldn't want to wish on any animal that wanted to get into the industry no matter the species.. But yeah you always need that love from the fans man. But thanks though I appreciate the kindly jester and hopefully we'll get this season started up soon and I won't be out here trying my hardest to make a fool of myself and getting into dumb shit. Take care though and you guys enjoy those wings!"

"We'll do.", I said as I hopped back into my car and sped off into the blur of concrete and Baltimore  row-houses. I immediately turned the radio on for I was exhausted of the nostalgic baseball tales and was just dying to hear the latest Covid-19 news. So sue me.    

Hollywood Elephant