The Baltimore Oriole

                                                         

Oriole Mike  

   I must say its been some strange state of affairs these days with Mr. Covid-19 rummaging around in the air both literally and figuratively as it continues to lay to waste to every industry it can get its filthy hands on. Personally, and just like everybody else, I'm exhausted, disgusted, and sick of the entire ordeal. Its a like ugly bad dream that just won't go away. Lately I've been taking long drives just to keep my sanity and clear my head of this whole mess. Believe me when I say 'long drives' because this time I made my way from LA clear all the way out to the East Coast to see a good long time friend of mine in the Baltimore-DC area. Of course getting a big spread prepared and cracking open a few hundred cold ones was on the docket later so I just so happened to come across a Giant Food Supermarket right off the 97 Bypass in Glen Burnie which worked out perfect as far as timing and convenience goes. Parking was no issue at all but as I'm walking towards the entrance to the store I had to immediately stop dead in my tracks, do a double-take, and stare intently to discover.. "Is that Mike the mascot for the Baltimore Orioles aka Oriole Mike?" -who in fact is an actual Baltimore Oriole bird in real life by the way. 

Once I got closer.. closer.. and even more closer.. It was plain as day, yep it was in fact him alright live and in the flesh! Wow, who would've thought I'd run into an icon and a legend in a low budget parking lot of all places! Now I must say that the one eye-popping thing about Oriole Mike was that radiate extra wide smile of his! That reliable chubby grin that could be seen from miles away. The beloved smile that adorned the magnificent burnt orange and black Oriole ballcaps that became a gold standard in the city's pride, branding, and identity.. And quite frankly a smile that could surely brighten up a cold, dark, and morbid day. With that being said it tears me to pieces to tell you that 'the famous smile' of his was nowhere to be seen nor found on this revealing afternoon as he was currently going at it in with the store manager and security guard which was about him refusing to wear a face mask while inside the store. Now it was well known in the animal world that Mike wasn't really political and his 'refusal to wear a mask' stance wasn't because he's some right wing fanatic who thinks Covid is overblown and media driven.. From what I hear he just doesn't want to wear one because he still thinks its still the '70's, 80's, and 90's when the Orioles were great and believes he still has status within the community and all over the state of Maryland. While it was going down, me and numerous others couldn't help but to stand there and gawk at him berate those two guys who were simply trying to keep the customers and employees safe in this terrible time. 

"You wouldn't demand I wear a mask if I was -may he rest in peace- Earl Weaver would you? You sure as hell wouldn't do that to Cal Rip, Eddie Murray, or Jim Palmer I know that for sure!", he said lashing out-laughing in disrespectful tone. 

"I don't believe it would even be a problem with Cal, Eddie, or Jim wearing a mask inside the store. I believe they're good upstanding individuals who would be happy to wear masks to help assist in everyone's safety from the Corona Virus", replied the manager. 

That sent Mike to another zone and he was on the verge of blowing a gasket when I decided enough of this shit and stuck my long trunk into the fray to be of assistance. I never want see animal legends go out like this and he even took it up a notch when he yelled out..

"Black Birds Matter motherfucker!" 

Only a goofball would say some shit like that not to mention he's not African- American but outside of that orange patch on his chest lets just say I didn't want to see these guys have to call the cops on him in this climate. But anyways I jumped in it because it just so happened that I had an extra jumbo dumbo mask on me and to make a long story short I completely defused the situation and successfully got Mike to cut the crap and put the mask on which in fact did. Great!

Now that was over with we were now inside the store we chatting away and all the while you could tell he was viably upset that Corona had put the season on hold and it pretty much left him with quite frankly too much free time on his hands. In fact he said the mask thing outside was just him pulling their strings. Right now he really misses the crowds or lack there-of. Beer being dumped on people in the lower levels. The hissing. The losses and the boos. His big infectious smile came back as he showed me his mask that he had hidden- stuffed under is left wing. 

"Come one man I always have my mask on me are you crazy! I represent a billion dollar franchise for Chr*st sake! I just gotta see if they still love us out here that's all. Do they still fuck with the Birds.. we gotta know this stuff man 'cause I mean we're not that team that we were back in the heydays in case you haven't noticed."

"Oh I've noticed. Nice stadium you guys have though. I know you know this but that building started.." 

-Oriole Mike cut me off in mid sentence and finished my statement in a whiny mimicry fashion..

"... It started thee entire retro stadium craze.. Yeah I know. Blah blah blah. Ya know what fuck Camden Yards! I fly up and take big dumps on top of the warehouse roof almost everyday just for the hell of it. Give me old Memorial Stadium any ole day over that tourist trap that we have now. Memorial Stadium is when we were kings of the land my friend! Outside of the meltdown to Pittsburgh in '79 that stadium was an institution. I would be all over the place and once Wild Bill Hagy got ten beers in his system and got the crowd going from the upper deck with his substandard O-R-I-O-L-E-S chant that comeback, if we were down, was imminent! Now I will say that Cal Ripkin and the consecutive game streak was great for Camden and baseball in general but since Machado, Britton, and Adam Jones left its been a different world for us that's for sure. I really don't even recognize this club anymore. Fucking Nationals coming into our market and winning it all last season. Unbelievable!", he lamented while stuffing about twenty off brand frozen pizzas into his cart. I didn't give a shit but he felt a little guilty about it..

"Man I don't give a shit these days. I literally wake up to pizza and gin every single morning. But now when I'm in shape and in the gym gettin' it every day, they'll switch the logo and hats up and put my entire body on full display. When go through spells of letting myself go they switch back up to the 'happy face' silhouette logo. Its whatever. It is what it is bro. Its life."

I stopped by in the meat isle and was hesitant to grab some chicken in front of him.

"Oh I eat bird all the time.. no biggie. Do your thing man. I had some tenders in the Harbor last night as a matter of fact.", he said without the slightest of cares in the world. It was music to my ears as I reached into the icy refrigerator and grabbed ten packs of drumettes. He then proceeded to tell me crazy hilarious stories involving guys like Doug DeCinces, Frank Robinson, Jack Dempsey, Al Bumbry, and Kenny Singleton. They were great.. I loved them. After we paid for our items and walked out he thanked me for stepping in like I did saying that, believe it or not, he was actually ready to go to jail if nobody cared to intervene and stop him from his own actions that he created. That was followed by an self admission that he once had a heroine addiction for a short period of time right after Earl Weaver passed in 2013.. And it was in fact the fans who scolded him and told him to get his shit together when they once caught him wobbling-stumbling out of a popular crab house restroom stall with a hypodermic needle still sticking-attached to his wing flap..

"What's the matter with you Mike? You're not a Eagle or a Falcon or even a Peacock for g*d's sake! You're a shit bird like a sparrow. Have some pride in yourself," is what they told me to my face as I was so high I could barely stand on my own two let alone fly. And truthfully they were right."

"That you were a shit bird like a sparrow?", I asked. 

"No man.. It was the part where I needed to have pride in myself which also gave the team pride ya know. Its about the team and the concept of team. I'll tell ya what I sobered up and got my act together right then and there on the spot and have been clean since. Well I do have a bump from time to time- here and there but who's counting that. Man those seasons are long as shit especially if you're not winning. Sometimes the fans don't want to cheer and get rowdy no matter what you do out there during the game. Its a tough business that I wouldn't want to wish on any animal that wanted to get into the industry no matter the species.. But yeah you always need that love from the fans man. But thanks though I appreciate the kindly jester and hopefully we'll get this season started up soon and I won't be out here trying my hardest to make a fool of myself and getting into dumb shit. Take care though and you guys enjoy those wings!"

"We'll do.", I said as I hopped back into my car and sped off into the blur of concrete and Baltimore  row-houses. I immediately turned the radio on for I was exhausted of the nostalgic baseball tales and was just dying to hear the latest Covid-19 news. So sue me.    

Hollywood Elephant   

Big AL

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Underdog

Underdog

   The ole "Shoe Shine Boy" is what they called him on the television screen and his famous namesake is also used a million times over for the person, team, school, or company that has a very small percentage to win against the much bigger, faster, and stronger opponent. I'm talking about no other than Underdog the boy wonder! What a great show that was. Classic intro with great scoring. Every hard working stiff no matter the species felt that realism of him biting into that quarter to make sure it was real and not getting ripped off by the 1% that hoard all the wealth in this capitalistic society. Sorry for that tangent but anyways he's doing exceptionally well these days. His real name is 'Shine' by the way. His real life marriage to Sweet Poly Purebread is long over with and his transition from Hollywood to the normal life was seamless minus the angst and heartbreak that other former stars have fell victim to. You can actually see him from time to time at one of the many McDonald's that he owns way out in Santa Clarita and Valencia areas just outside of LA. I stopped by the one near Magic Mountain about a week ago when I had to pick up an old girlfriend of mine who ran into car troubles out there. Soon as I walked in he was sitting right there in the lobby giving an interview to a potential hire.  

After I grabbed about five twenty piece nugget boxes, ten large fries, and six large cokes I saw that he was done with the interview and I decided to give him a holler before I left. I know he played kind of dimwit on the show but in real life he's very sharp and kind of a serious poker face type. I basically told him that he's an inspiration to the animal world and I still loved the cartoon to this very day. He thanked me and that of course that opened him up a bit for conversation. He said that Poly Purebread is doing well. Sadly Simon Bar Sinister is no longer with us. He does keep in touch with Riff Raff and Tennessee Tuxedo a few times a year which was good. And I could resist about asking him about his much publicized feud with Snoopy from Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang back in the day. He wasted no time in giving me the 411..

"Oh were cool now. That beef was squashed years ago. Me and Snoopy starting off pretty much around the same time ya know. He always used to come to me about how Charles Shultz, Lee Mendelson, and CBS was low-balling him and Woodstock primarily because they weren't humans. It was common ground between us because I was getting low-balled myself starting off. Later on my second and third contracts got much better but bare in mind I was the star of my very own show and he was in the shadow of Charlie Brown plus they didn't have a weekly show either back then. But they were still huge 'cause remember people actually bought and read newspapers back then and the comic section was a huge part of that. After 'Merry Christmas Charlie Brown' and "Its the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown' they finally threw Snoopy a bone with 'Snoopy Come home'. When that animation special dropped and the world loved it.. He turned his nose up to everybody and acted like he didn't know me anymore and it crushed me. Crushed my soul. His head was way in the clouds and he thought he was going to get nominated for an Academy for that performance. Little did he know.. But I get it he played second fiddle to Charlie Brown for so long and he was due for some spotlight and I let bygones be bygones and eventually we patched it all up. Nowadays we laugh about it. It was so petty and silly."

Informative unbridled information indeed. I then asked him how the McDonald's franchisee life was going for him.  As soon as I said that his enthusiasm evaporated and his facial expression soured.. 

"Ehhh.. I kind of want out to tell you the truth. I have six McDonald's altogether. I had nine and I just unloaded two and gave my daughter one last year. But.. and I hate to say it but-  these guys at the corporate office don't know their left from right anymore. This company flat out doesn't know what the fuck they want to be anymore.. and us franchisee owners have to take the brunt of all the bad and suspect decision making that's going on over there! The 'All Day Breakfast' for example- each franchise owner had to buy all new equipment for that move out of our own pockets and not to mention ton of employees quit because the all day breakfast was a pain in the ass. The dollar menu items and things like the "2 items for $4 bucks" promotions kill and decimate our profits. New different sizes of Big Macs is a headache and a wtf moment. And are we trying to compete with Starbucks with all these new coffee drinks were making now? Its a mess. *SIGH* And I'm sorry I don't mean lay this out all in your presence. You didn't come here for this. But in all honesty I need to get going and I appreciate you stopping by and patronizing us and also telling me how you love Underdog.. That means a great deal to me. It was another life but I'm truly grateful that people still hold that show dearly in their hearts. And again I thank you. Stop by again and have a good drive back into the city!"

That was touching moment indeed. I didn't even mean to get him going on the McDonald's issues as a franchise owner. I felt a little bad about that but I'm at least content that he was pleased that I recognized his greatness as Underdog and what the show means to so many animals and humans across the globe. Matter of fact he's not an underdog anymore in my opinion literally and figuratively. He's a champion and a hero, straight up!

Hollywood Elephant

Santa's Little Helper

Santa's Little Helper 


   Its not far fetched to say that The Simpsons is an American staple and foundation in modern television programming at its core. As it's now going on 31 seasons and counting, its the epitome and the gold standard of unbridled success not just in American television but in worldwide entertainment period. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Mr. Burns, and so on.. is such an iconic show and benchmark so bravo and kudos to Matt Groening and company for a job well done! But beyond the stars you have an incredible other-worldly supporting cast like Sideshow Bob, Apu, Ned Flanders, Millhouse, Moe, Krusty The Clown, Patty, and the likes.. but what about the pets of the show most notably Santa's Little Helper and his cohort Snowball the cat? And much love goes out to Snowball who's actual name is Teresa Furball but she was very difficult to get a hold of and is an extremely private feline who basically spends time with her handler and siblings- maybe next time she'll surface and come up for air for an interview.. But Santa's Little Helper- 'SLH' for short, who's real name is Sparky in real life, was more than eager to sit down with me and my bud Jose The Pangolin, who has a very popular podcast called "Wuhan's Most Wanted(WMW)" for a brief one on one interview.

   Now keep in mind that The Simpsons is on its 31st season and is aired in over 200 countries so were not just talking about any ole backyard tied to the fence mutt here. Yes he's not the Mike Jordan of dog actors and probably not even in the top ten of canine thespians but rest assured he could very well be the "Bill Gates or Warren Buffet" of not just dog actors mind you but for the entire animal race hands down. Even a large percentage of humans have to kneel and fetch to his accomplishments and wealth. I know that most of those tales that I recite to you guys are usually animal actors that are in dire straights and not on the up and up but with Santa's Little Helper were talking about a four legged beast that has his own private jet, private island, multiple properties, businesses, and not to mention a venture capital firm. Impressive to say the least. This dog defintely wags his tale with grace and swagger. He sat down with me and Jose over a nice meal, a few bottles of wine, and some shots of tequila one fine evening at Ysabel in West Hollywood and here's how it went..


Jose: Thanks for sitting down with us. Tell me, what do you prefer to be called.. Santa's Little Helper or by your real name which is Sparky?


SLH: Just call me Santa.. that works for me.


Jose: Cool. Very cool! So Santa, how did it go when you first auditioned for The Simpsons which was over three decades ago?


SLH: It went well. Ya know there wasn't too much competition to be honest. Looking back on it now, not a lot of dogs came out for the audition shockingly. Bare in mind Fox was kind of a new network at that time and was on extremely uneasy footing. This is before they even had the NFL on Sunday's so there wasn't much hype for an animated series in development over there. Mr. Peabody from Rocky & Bullwinkle was rumored to be the guy for the role, and it was basically his if he wanted it, but SLH is more of a visual role- there's was any speaking parts for the dog whatsoever and to be truthful Mr. Peabody is really really highbrow and an intellectual type.. and if I recall correctly I heard him tell Matt, the producers, and Fox that the role was beneath him. So yeah I kinda lucked in and got the gig by default. Not saying I didn't earn and work for it 'cause I was damn near homeless going from doghouse to animal shelters doing Off- Broadway and minor throwaway roles for nearly eight years prior to landing the role on The Simpsons.


Jose: Wow, interesting indeed. Little did anyone know..


SLH: Exactly.


Hollywood E: What's Homer, Bart, Marge, and company like off the set when the cameras stop rolling?


SLH: They're petty much all cool, down to earth, and really good humans beings. Homer actually is a health and fitness nut but because of the roll he has to eat a ton shit and drink alcohol nonstop just to keep up the weight up. If he's not on the The Simpsons he's probably looking like a bald Michael Phelps- the Olympic gold medalist swimmer. Bart is cool. Always petting me on the head constantly and throwing me toys to chew on which I like. He had a little bit of a drinking problem around season 12 because he felt his character wasn't growing nor was he physically but he's a good guy. Marge desperately wants to expand her roles that's for sure. The hair and the voice, which is not her true voice in real life, has her handcuffed for other roles and opportunities to say the least so she has her venting periods here and there. I like Lisa alot.. matter of fact we're real close- me and Lisa. Off camera she's also a lot like the character that's on screen- a musical genius that's checking everyone and questioning or going against the flow in almost everything like the plots, script changes, the soundtrack, guest appearances, etc. People complain about her character but trust me the show would be nowhere where it is for today for thirty plus seasons without her. She literally goes over ever joke and gag to see whether it'll translate on the screen or not. As for people I don't like... I will say that Lenny and Chief Wiggum are pieces of shit though. There's always non stop drama when those two are on the set. Fuck them!


Jose: Off camera you have numerous ventures, businesses, and charities happening.. most notably the venture capital firm 'Man's Best Friend'. How's that going?


SLH: Its going great! We're on that path to great and amazing things! Recently we just helped fund a few start ups in tech, pet care, and nutrition. But I really want people to be on the look out for a company we're getting behind called "Rover til Infinity" which is basically a plant based dog and cat food company similar to what Beyond Meat is for our two legged brethren.


Hollywood E: Wow that's dope! They got anything for us elephants and pangolins?


SLH: I'm sure its coming down the pipeline. We just gotta get this initial phase in the books first!


Hollywood E: Cool.. Sounds good! One thing I've been dying to know about you.. Is this level of success a big shock to you or did you always know that you were destined for greatness?


SLH: I knew. I'm from a really humble background. I'm the tenth one born out of a litter of fifteen in Buffalo, NY. I never knew my dad but one of my brothers, Ben, thinks he was that flea ridden stray that lingered in the neighborhood four blocks away from us but we never perused the issue.. What was the point. But yeah back then we didn't have a home and mom struggle to put food in our mouths so yeah I grew up with a chip on my shoulder along with a hard hat mentality. Those nights with no scraps of food still linger inside my head to this very day. I remember it vividly. I'm the poster-canine for pulling oneself up from their bootstraps and making something of themselves. And I well aware that I don't have any lines in the episodes and there's entire weeks where I'm not even on the screen for Chr*t's sake but I still go into each shoot like its my very last. I'm going to bark that bark or release those puppy eyes like my life depends on it! So yeah I knew.. I was going to be "that dog" no matter what it took!


Hollywood E: Powerful! Words to live by.


Jose: Yes Santa, thank you for that. Good stuff indeed. And I must say that we definitely see the passion in your work on every episode and there's no denying that. So what's next for you? You pretty much are set in life and have everything that one can think of.. any passion projects, businesses, or something you want to share with us coming up in the near future?


SLH: Just keep be on the lookout for more episodes of The Simpsons and our plant based company
'Rover til Infinity'. I got other things in the works like maybe a streaming service for animals but I'll leave it at that for now. LOL.


Jose: Wow, incredible! You're on a roll and I'm not talking hot dogs..or maybe I am. Lol.


Hollywood: He's definitely a 'hot dog' right now. Thee 'Hot Dog'! Appreciate it Santa.


Jose: We'll definitely be on the lookout for those projects you mentioned and others. Well we know you're on the move constantly and we are ecstatic that you took time out of your busy tight schedule to sit down with me and Hollywood E this evening. We're going to do one more shot of Agave Tequila before we leave and I just want to say from the bottom of our hearts we are beyond grateful and you are an incredible inspiration and role model for the entire animal kingdom. This was so informative. Thank you Santa and here's to you and thirty more seasons of The Simpsons!


SLH: The pleasure was all mine.. Anytime guys. Thanks!



Hollywood Elephant 

Kimberly Fly

KIMBERLY FLY from 'Breaking Bad' 


   As of late, I've been getting some much needed exercise from my newly minted walks around my neighborhood. Nothing too fancy, but hopefully if I stick with it, it'll branch off into a more intense power walk and/or a light jog. So after I'm done I always step into the 7-11 which is on the way home right around the corner from my apartment for a couple of gallons of water to chug down. Now on this particular day as soon as I step in I run into a fly on wall—but mind you, this is not just any old ordinary fly. This is Kimberly Fly who starred in the Breaking Bad "Fly" episode during season three years ago. Wow, I was geeked! Most wouldn't recognize her but I sure did. Can't lie, and I hate to say this, but she looked a little run down like she wasn't doing her best at the moment. From what I saw it even looked like someone or something had taken a bite out of her left wing upon close inspection as she hovered in front of me while we were standing in line. And yeah she was being an ass as well as she lit up a cigarette inside against the manager's orders not to. "What's your problem, its just a g*ddamn cigarette! Is my pizza ready? How much longer do I have to wait for crying out loud? You guys should throw in a few of those day old wings over there in the display case and a Slurpee while I wait, as much money as I spend in this place!", she screamed out to the cashier Maumoud who I knew personally from my myriad of visits. My gut told me to jump in to ease the situation a bit so I did by telling her how great she was in that episode of Breaking Bad how I heard that another "The Fly" remake could be in the works at Paramount. I hoped that her agent could get her in the mix for that if it even happens of course. She looked at me with a deadpan gaze, exhaled a gust of nicotine in my vicinity, and turned back to Maumoud and said, "How much longer for my freaking pizza man?! At that moment the store's microwave buzzer sounded and her pepperoni pie was immediately boxed up and quickly handed to her.

   After receiving the food her tone changed and reversed immensely for the better. "Thank you", she said kindly. Ah, there was a spell of decency in her, but I guess I spoke to soon 'cause after she bought a cheap lighter and few scratch-offs she turned to me right before leaving and said, "Fuck Breaking Bad. Its the reason I don't do tv anymore. Oh, and did you know that in-between shoots Aaron Paul came to my trailer and put a can of Raid to my head and said give me a blow job or else you're toast! Yeah it turned out to be a joke because the entire cast and crew was in on it and they handed me a cake once we were done filming for my guest appearance and whatnot but screw that. I was #metoo-ed and also later down the line I was the blame for being the problem in what's considered the worst episode of Breaking Bad in its existence, so yeah FUCK THAT SHOW and AMC! They wouldn't be shit without Netflix anyway.. but to you kind sir, take care of yourself and have a good day!"

   She stormed out of there or I should say she flew out with a vengeance! Whew, wow! I was speechless after that. Its such a cold world out here and it was time for me to get home right after that experience. But you know what, my good pal Maumoud gave me a bag of chips and a Slurpee on the house for helping him deal with that situation. Thank you Maumoud and thank you Kimberly Fly!

Maxwell Trunks, aka 

Hollywood Elephant

Scooby-Doo

Scooby-Doo

So I went to a fund raiser the other night for the organization called 'CASA'. That's short for Canine Alcohol and Substance Abuse. The funny thing about it was it was an open-bar event. I was just there in support of a canine friend of mine named Rover who went through a bad period on heroine and coke about a year ago. He found out his owner was about to have him neutered and he freaked out and went off the deep end. I mean listen the guy has fathered ten different dogs on his entire block and the pup support is killing him. I told him being neutered might not be such a bad idea given his current state. He told me to fuck off so I dropped the subject. So we're at this CASA event and everybody is shit faced because like I said its an open-bar event. Its basically a party. Animals celebrating the fact that they are now sober.. at least they were until they stepped foot into a CASA event. There's a stage, a band, a few speeches are said here and there its basically a jolly event.

So as the night progresses out of the blue I hear a few gasps and ohh-ahhs overtaking the room. Then all of a sudden I'm hearing cheers and applause.. And me and Rover are like "what the hell is going on here?!"  Low and behold to everyone's surprise.. SCOOBY motherfucking DOO has entered the building!! WOW! I'm literally speechless. There were many other species of the wild kingdom present but it was a hoot watching every canine present wanting to take a sniff of Scooby's ass.

So anyways the legend and gawd Scooby quickly hits the stage and grabs the microphone and greets everyone present in the building. Its like it was a planned show or something. No awkward clumsy movements. No goofball voice that he has on the cartoon.. he speaks perfect fluent English. I mean the words literally float off the tip of his tongue. And the guy looked great. It was like he was 5 years old (In dog years that's 35 years old people. Get with it!). He wore an immaculate silk suit. Expensive shades. He's puffin' on this majestic pipe full of tobacco (at least I think it was tobacco) while grasping a cocktail of some sort in the other hand.. Hugh Hefner has nothing on this guy. Everybody's literally blown away and mesmerized by him.

After he cordially greets everyone he breaks out with this comedy routine that floors the entire room. No one could stop laughing for two hours straight. He begins to lay everything out on the table.. and its just us animals in the room so he doesn't give a shit who he offends. I knew we were in for a treat when he starts off by saying, "Fuck Scrappy-Doo, we all hated that little piece of shit! Shaggy purposely tried to run him over four times with the Mystery Machine over the course of the show. Hanna-Barbera thought he was a gold mine. May they rest in peace but seriously what the fuck were they thinking! I couldn't even get my good pal Hong Kong Phooey or Dynomutt on the show 'cause of that asshole Scrappy! They thought they would ruin the chemistry between me, Shaggy, and Scrappy. But believe me when I say that Scrappy was an egotistical narcissistic coked out maniac that's basically me being nice and holding my tongue. Ohhh I hated that little piece of shit! Ken Spears and Joe Ruby, the show's creators, said they wanted a new addition to the show. Hell me and Shaggy thought we were finally gonna get some love interest to play opposite of us you know what I'm sayin'.. but no they bring in that dirty little piece of shit." 

He was just getting warmed up too:


"Thelma was the freak. She was Ivy League.. went to Brown University. Extremely smart but a closet repressed nympho. Everybody wanted Daphne but behind closed doors Thelma was fucking everybody!"

"Daphne was actually a hardcore Christian believe it or not. She'd preach to us all the time. But her church didn't like the ghost stories and the subject matter of the show but as soon as the show hit it big she donated like a hundred thousand bucks to her church and best believe they shut the fuck up after that. Her pastor actually told her- keep the ghost stories coming, they're so entertaining. Can you believe that." 

"Of course we were high. It was the 70's. Even the Scooby Snacks were laced with marijuana. Why do you think we loved them so much!"

"I came up with that Scooby-Doo voice and mannerisms for the cartoon one day while having a cup of coffee with Marlon Brando on Melrose Avenue. Ruby and Spears didn't like it at first but when I told them that Brando gave it the okay they backed off. Now the voice is iconic".

"Freddie was a good guy. Me and Shaggy thought he went both ways but nah.. he was just one of those metrosexual fashion dudes".

"I had to bite the shit out of Captain Caveman one day at a private party for the season wrap up of the Laff-A-Lympics. He would always carry that caveman persona outside of the studio. He was literally Captain Caveman on and off the camera. What was I supposed to do, he was scaring the shit out of all the guest at the party."

"Shaggy once told me he secretly wanted to replace Roger Moore and become the next James Bond of the 007 films. I told him, "Shaggy you can do whatever the fuck you wanna do brother. You're a star and don't you ever forget that." Of course we were both wacked out of our minds and high as Mount Everest that evening but whatever!"  

"And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!- George Jetson actually came up with that line at a viewing party thrown by Space Ghost at his home in Highland Park. Of course we took it and ran with it."


--And that's how the night went that particular evening. It was truly amazing. One of the greatest nights of my life. If that was to be a pay-per-view special I'd gladly pay a hundred bucks to hear those stories. There were a lot more of course but they got a little too personal to repeat here to you all.

So if you ever hear about a CASA event or fundraiser going down in your neck of the woods don't walk, run to that bastard as fast as you can. You'll never know who might pop up and worst case scenario its an open bar so drink up and enjoy.



Hollywood Elephant

Godzilla

 

GODZILLA

Let me say this to start off. If there's no Godzilla then there's no Joe Anaconda of the Anaconda films, Dino from the Flintstones, no Wally Gator, no Geico Geko, no Gex, no Rango and so on. All those fucks who think they're the shit now need to pay homage to Japan's finest- Godzilla. Or should I say Gawd-Zilla.

Off screen The Big Zill, as he liked to be called, clung to the streets and its culture. We had the same weed guy a few years ago so I'd see him from time to time in dire need of a pound or two of the green vegetation. He'd roll instantly right on the spot after his purchase- the dealer didn't mind, he was there for the stories and the fuckery. After he'd light the Dutch and took a humongous pull his eyes would roll back and electricity would flow along the spires that protruded from his back. He would slowly exhale and proclaim, "Mothra was my nigga.. that was a REAL ass nigga right there, yes indeed. Fuck Megalon and King Ghidorah! Look here.. There was money on the table for a 'Expendables' type monster reunion flick but these bitch ass niggas was talkin' about it ain't enough. We need to fuck with these Koreans on some straight to DVD shit and get paid upfront, fuck a back-end. Can you believe that shit? Now look at us- stuck on stupid getting short changed at conventions and trade shows".

He took another deep pull of the medicine.. "And fuck Perry Mason too. How in the fuck would you pair Perry Mason with my big ass?", he said aloud. He closed his eyes, leaned back and said, "Me roaming the streets and tearing the city up was basically me lookin' for weed, alcohol, and bitches.. THE PEOPLE NEVER KNEW THAT!! They thought it was about the country or some dumb kid or me saving the day. It was never about that bullshit, it was all hood shit. That WAS Godzilla- hood shit!" 

-This was more than a few years ago and The Big Zill was going through a turbulent time that's associated  with being out of work and a has been in Hollywood. But guess who's making a monster comeback with a brand new blockbuster that's about to drop any moment now-- yes our good friend GAWD-ZILLA!!

Personally I'm happy for the guy. Not too many actors get another clean shot like this. I hope the best for him and I hope this rekindles his career all over again. I hear he hits the medicinal shops now so I haven't seen him around the old spot in ages. I wonder if he got Mothra a cameo in his new flick?

Hollywood Elephant

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Beverly Hills Chihuahua(Chloe)

I got great respect for Chloe the star of the Beverly Hills Chihuahua films and Taco Bell commercials. She's hands down a great actress from top to bottom.. no question about it. But to those that don't know she's an even better fighter and champion for human and animal rights. This past Thanksgiving holiday weekend she was arrested during the Service Employees International Union(SEIU) march/protest that shut down the intersections of Sepulveda and Century Boulevards right outside of Los Angeles International Airport(LAX). Some union contracts were scraped as well as were the loss of health benefits for employees so something had to be said and done. It was perfectly planned as they shut down the main intersection leading into LAX on the day before Thanksgiving- the busiest travel day of the year. And truthfully I'm giving them a thumbs up only because I wasn't flying that day. Otherwise I'd take a huge shit, literally and figuratively, on the entire event.


I watched the whole thing unfold on local television. As the LAPD began to arrest numerous humans on site, the SPCA was called in to take care of Chloe. She's a chihuahua so yes it was a no frills easy haul. As she was hog-tied and carried away from the scene tv cameras quickly slammed into her face. "This is a disgrace and a travesty to the two legged species!", she yelled out. "Their dinner will now consist of table scraps that used to go to their pets but now will be their main course for food.. and where does that leave the Fido's and Fluffy's of the world?.. Assed out that's where it leaves them! So yes this is a two-fold protest. If humans don't eat, their pets don't eat.. end of story!" She spat out a gooey wad of spit into the camera as the SPCA worker finally muzzled her and tossed her into the back of her vehicle.

 
Profound indeed. It made me seriously ponder the thought of animals still in bondage with their masters. On one hand it can be a really good lifestyle. Endless pampering, food, and love all depending on the owner of course. But on the flip side they have no freedom whatsoever. I have a cousin that's still working in the Ringling Brothers circuit for crying out loud and he's treated like shit. Fuck being a pet and having a master! As I cracked open my third 12 pack of Sam Adams that afternoon I thought for a moment. Have the Fido's and Fluffy's of the world ever had a beer? I'll wait for your response..


Hollywood Elephant

Fritz The Cat

Fritz The Cat

Outside of lions I’m generally pretty good with the feline species. With that said I happened to run into Fritz The Cat at the West Side Bossa Nova Restaurant on Pico Boulevard one fine evening. Fritz is basically still Fritz. I’ve run into this narasistic pseudo intellectual styled prick numerous times so trust me seeing him that night was no big deal. I take that back I love running into Fritz. If I was going to get an earful of nonstop un-remorseful barbs then it might as well be from this guy.

Remembering my large frame from a previous meeting he offered me a seat at his table so I sat my round ass down, ordered about ten plates of food, and began to chew the fat for a bit. I was a bit wasted already. I had partaken in an extremely long pub crawl right before stepping foot in Bossa Nova. I had about four kegs worth of beer in my belly while Fritz on the other hand wasted no time in telling me he was both stoned and drunk at the same time. I told him to tell me something I didn’t know.

He’s a little up in age now but still sporting his tweed blazer and still trying to screw anything moving. His first film aptly titled after himself is the epitome of the rap term- “started with a spark but then it got garbage”. I asked him about the film the last time I ran into him which was at The Pantry in downtown LA. He ran the same splish-splash that he’s regurgitated numerous times on rote memory. He said that Ralph Bakshi and Robert Crumb didn’t see eye to eye. Crumb really never signed on to the project. It was Ralph's first film.. blah blah blah. “Remember he had Mighty Mouse snorting coke on camera on a Saturday morning kids cartoon”, he said in a matter of fact type tone. “And don’t get it twisted, Mighty Mouse still hasn’t recovered from that one fucking episode for Chr*st sakes. He can't even land a background role for a Everest College commercial. You should see him. He’s fat as fuck with thirty four kids. His cape is all torn up. He’s running around town trying to order drinks with an EBT card… But that Sponge Bob stick is all Mighty Mouse”. “But ya know what fuck him he’s a rat. Yeah he’s a rat literally. That mouse shit was just so he could get work. The only true mouse in Hollywood was Jerry from Tom & Jerry and that little piece of shit that worked with your buddy Dumbo in that Disney flick”.

He said he ran into Tom(from Tom & Jerry) not to long ago and gave him hell for the way they let Jerry run all over his ass in the cartoons. "We're still cats at the end of the day, Garfield the Gawd would tell me this every time I ran into him."- Fritz

.. But he was really getting on my bad side with by bringing up Dumbo and he knew it. It was retaliation for me questioning his first film which actually did incredibly well at the box office. See Fritz has really mastered the art of getting under people’s skin in the worst way possible. He sat there right across from me giving the waitress and the manager on duty a bad time telling them that Bossa Nova isn’t Brazilian food. -Its Italian under the guise of Brazilian. He went on and on about numerous topics while sipping on a bottle of craft beer. One was how he’s voting for Mitt Romney not because he’s Republican or his proposals on taxes, fixing the budget, and creating jobs but get this, he’s voting for Romney simply because he’s a Mormon and he hopes one day he passes a law in favor of polygamy before his term is up. “Who wants to fuck the same girl every single day? I sure as hell don’t. Blacks better wake the fuck and smell the coffee before its too late. They like looking at those fat asses but Obama’s a Muslim, every female, no matter the species, will be covered from head to toe wearing a burka before his second term is up, mark my words”, he said that with confidence as if he were Nostradamus.

Actually he’s not a bad guy. He’s rather entertaining to be truthful. I actually was glad I ran into him. I’m a sucker for a good bullshiter as long as he or she doesn't enter the realm of obnoxiousness. There was a method to his madness. Plus he’s not a bitter Hollywood type. Working or not working he’s gonna talk shit and do his thing regardless. We polished off our plates of pasta, downed the remaining drops of ale, and paid the bill and left. He told me to follow him to his car to finish the last of this killer joint he had rolled up before he left the house. I quickly obliged. Killer stories, killer beer, and killer weed- that’s the perfect night if you ask me. After blazing the final puffs of the zig zag I said, "Where to next Fritz?" "Starz strip club in Gardena, It's amateur night!", he yelled out. Ahh what a great night this turned out to be.


Hollywood Elephant

Anaconda

Joe Anaconda

I recently attended a meditation slash wine tasting retreat that was located way out in Temecula about four months ago. I was basically tired and needed a little break from the city. Not to mention I was a little depressed that a cousin of mines got arrested (captured) and sent to a zoo in Ottawa Canada. I would always tell this guy repeatedly not to get drunk and high with every human he came in contact with. Of course it would fall on deaf-giant ears. Some elephants just wont learn.. jeshh.
 
The venue itself was nice especially since they could accommodate my big ass with no problems whatsoever. See I'm really a beer drinker but I'm trying desperately to expand my drinking palate. Over the course of that weekend I literally had Pino Noir and Zinfandel by the barrel-full.. great stuff indeed! While I was there I just so happened to spot a familiar guest by the pool attempting to enjoy himself.. and it was a poor attempt at that. It was Joe the Anaconda from the actual "Anaconda" films. He really tried to play the vacationer role with a button up Hawaiian shirt and a brown derby on top his head. He failed miserably.

Joe Anaconda is fucking huge of course but not as big as he was in the movie. That was the special effects kicking in. He took one sip of red from his wine glass and instantly spat it out on the floor. With his tongue flipping out in all directions he yelled out to a retreat employee -speaking in a snake like lisp, "Fuck this wine shit, you fags got any twelve year scotch back there?" The employee ignored him like he should have and kept moving to wherever he was going. Joe yelled out again, "I'll swallow you whole next time you asshole, this isn't the movies! I told Ice Cube and Jay-Lo and same shit off camera!" He saw me sitting in the background and knew that I heard everything. "What's up Elephant Guy, you know what I'm talkin' about right? Out in the wild anything goes, especially when you're hungry!", he said to me. I simply nodded and waved back to him. I was there to relax and wanted no parts of that discussion whatsoever. Plus he's a snake..and I mean that literally and figuratively.

I heard he was trying to get another Anaconda flick green-lit for the SyFy Channel. I heard he jerked so many people in the industry even Kaa, the snake from Jungle Book. They were supposed to do a sitcom together.. a situational-odd couple type comedy set in a cramped New York City apartment. Joe ended up pocketing the pilot budget and skipping town. What a snake job.. fuck him. I downed another barrel of Pino and retreated back to my room. I did wonder if Joe find some scotch after all? That wine did taste like shit.


Hollywood Elephant

Chewbacca

 

Chewbacca

 

I once had to drop off a human friend of mine who just so happened to stay in South-Central Los Angeles at the time. Yeah the area was a little worn but there's a lot of heart and soul here as well. After dropping my buddy off around the Florence and Western intersection I noticed that I had been driving on a flat tire. Its definitely not out of the ordinary when you weigh over five tons.. believe me. You might think that this was a bad time to get a flat being in the area I was in but au contaire my friend, this is the best place to get a flat tire. Mexican tire shops are in abundance around these parts and I'd definitely be screwed if I caught a flat in Century City or Beverly Hills. The locals there would probably call the Department of Animal Control or the LA Zoo and have me detained and shipped back to the Congo. 

So I slowly pull into this used tire shop on Western in-between Manchester and Florence and a hombre pops up, inspects my damaged goods, and says I need a simple patch job. Perfect, I get it patched up in a jiffy for only ten bucks at that! Out of the blue a late model four door Benz sedan pulls up and I kid you not, out jumps the one and only, seven foot tall CHEWBACCA from the Star Wars fame! Holy Shit!

Now erase Star Wars from your memory for one second here ladies and gentleman. First of all he speaks perfect-fluent-high brow English. I know this because he greeted one of the tire shop employees with a, "What's up Hector, how you doin' brother!". All that grunting and shit that he's know for was just the character he played and nothing more. It was also shocking to see him wearing a blazer, slacks, Italian Loafers, and glasses that suspended rather low on the tip of his nose. See people don't know this but Chewie isn't a Wookie. He's actually the great-great-great-great-great grandson of Sasquatch.

He was friendly too and didn't seem bitter and sour like most former stars who haven't worked in a while or at all. It was refreshing indeed. He popped his trunk and pulled out a spare and told Hector it needed a new valve stem. Hector jumped on it immediately. Chewie greeted me with a, "How you doin' big fella". I quickly shook his paw and told him how he was an inspiration to us all.. and that Star Wars would be nothing to this very day without his grand contribution to the series. I had to add that extra little bit at the end. You could tell he was a good guy with a good heart.

He said it was a nice run and basically it was just one era of his life. The role doesn't define him, it was simply a job that had a paycheck attached to it. I soon found out he actually owned that tire particular tire shop I was at and he has two other shops as well.. One in Hawthorne and another in Gardena as well as five coin operated car washes scattered throughout the county. So yeah he's doing rather well for himself despite not being on the big screen in decades(The Chewbacca in the prequels were CGI). You know he had to give me a few tid-bits from the Trilogy. He told me.. and this is from his own mouth: 

-Harrison Ford couldn't really fly the Millennium Falcon, Billy Dee Williams was the better pilot by far.

-He unknowingly drove Carrie Fisher to a dope house to buy coke in between shoots on the 'Empire Strikes Back' Hoth scenes. How she found a coke spot by the ice glacier in Norway is still a mystery to him.

-C3PO was a gay(we all knew this)

-Alec Guinness constantly joked off camera that his light saber was the same size of his cock.

-Darth Vader argued constantly with George Lucas over the script. He said Luke Skywalker should've died in 'A New Hope'(the first Star Wars film).. and was pissed that he never got to shoot lightning bolts from his hands.

-Everyone almost walked off the set in 'Return Of The Jedi' in protest of the Ewoks. Chewie said he even strangled a couple of Ewoks to death off camera in between takes in the Redwood National Forest. They hated them that much.

-There's a hidden footage stored in a vault somewhere at Lucas' Ranch of Jabba The Hut fingering Princess Leia

-Yoda can drink a case of beer in like twenty minutes flat. And he would toke reefer in his trailer at the end of every shoot.

-When he first saw Jar Jar Binks on screen and Samuel Jackson as a Jedi Master he knew that George Lucas was done and Star Wars was now a shitty franchise.




..... Chewie literally went on and on. I could go on with these forever because I talked to him for like a hour and a half. He's doing good though and that was really good to see. Also on another note, the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree as his son is the star of all those Jack Link's Beef Jerky commercials! The linage continues my friends. May the force be with you Chewie.. and your son too!




Hollywood Elephant

Kermit The Frog

 

 Kermit The Frog

About a year ago I was heavily in the mist of completing a script that was going to be the blueprint for a reboot of  the classic film 'The Elephant Man'.. only this time with a real elephant as the lead and not some shitty looking grotesque human being walking around London England with a sack on his head. On this particular night I had a bad case of writer's block -slash procrastination- slash why in the fuck am I even writing this bullshit because nobody is going to read it.. so I pulled myself away from the laptop and stepped out for a second to clear my head and grab something to eat. Pulling up into the local CVS to grab a few pounds of snacks I notice the inside is rather dead for a Saturday Night. As I lumber to the back of the store to raid the candy isle I take a quick gaze at the Pharmacy to the left and suddenly I stop dead in my tracks. It can't be.. What the fuck, low and behold standing in the pharmaceutical line is the one and only KERMIT THE FROG! OMG!!

This is the only freaking Amphibian to have a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame! Let me repeat that.. He has a fucking star on the walk of fame ladies and gentleman. Are you not entertained?! Thee gawd Kermit Thee Frog!

Now to be honest I had to hold back from approaching him a little bit. I had to use caution and be very respectful here. See unbeknownst to the average two legged human.. and let me tell you this is not something you will learn from TMZ, The View, Entertainment Tonight, or any of that other bullshit pseudo news source that proliferate in today's landscape. Many people don't know this.. but Kermit The Frog is "CONNECTED". And I do mean connected in a very real way! He's connected to the Italian mob, the black gangs(Bloods, Crips, Boule), The Mexican gangs(13's/14's/Mexican Mafia/Drug Cartels), The Russians, Jewish Mafia, The rich whites with the Skull & Bones, The Gay Mafia, etc. etc. etc.. To sum it all up, you do not want to fuck with Kermit trust me! Its not a game with this guy. Sesame Street and The Muppets is great television, we all grew up on it but behind closed doors you're walking down a slippery slope if you cross this guy.

There was a rumor floating out there that before Jim Henson discovered him in the rural Mississippi Delta its believed that he had killed two Southern rednecks because they tried to shoot him for his frog legs. That's actually a true story but you didn't hear that from me. I heard he used to frequent juke joints, start fights, killed a few toads and frogs along the way who so happened to step on one of his various array of exotic Lilly pads. There's literally all kinds of stories and myths floating out there about the guy.. And its not that he was a bad seed or a evil guy but its just that he's so genuine and authentic that everyone was drawn into him and his magnetic aura. In reality he's a fucking frog but yet he could run for the presidency of the United States and probably win!

I remember hearing this story about his best friend Fozzy Bear, who was really out of control back in the Muppets heyday- A truly terrible individual, always coked up starting shit wherever they would go. Well one time Miss Piggy's younger sister, Miss Wiggly, was seriously trying to break into showbiz like her big sister. Miss Wiggly wasn't as talented as Miss Piggy but her chest region was way bigger.. and that goes a long way in Hollywood trust me. So there was a small part just perfect for her in the film "The Muppets Take Manhattan" and it was her's for the taking because well she's Piggy's little sister and Miss Piggy was no slouch back in the day. She was star power. But Fozzy shows up on the set probably drunk out of his mind and says, "Fuck that, this bitch hasn't paid any dues like the rest of us". Now mind you Fozzy had some serious pull back then 'cause he was with Kermit. That was Kermit's guy. He goes ballistic on Miss Wiggly saying, "If she wants in on The Muppets Take Manhattan then I wanna see her give Gonzo a blow job right now in front of everybody".

That sets off a frenzy. The director doesn't know what to do. The producer is on the phone calling the studio. Miss Wiggly is crushed, tears are streaming from her face. Gonzo on the other hand is happy as hell. Miss Wiggly calls her sister up telling her about Fozzy going ham on her while on set. Miss Piggy, pissed as hell, then calls Kermit.. and in a strange twist of fate Kermit informs Miss Piggy that Fozzy is 100% correct and that Miss Wiggly not only has to give Gonzo a blow job she has to give Rowlf The Dog one too. He elaborates saying in other words, she hasn't paid any dues, get her off the set, have her take some acting and singing lessons, and we'll get her an appearance on another show later down the line. Kermit didn't play when it came to The Muppets or anything he was involved in. She later got a few appearances on Fraggle Rock but ended up getting hooked on methamphetamine, flaming out, and winding up in a crappy Jimmy Dean sausage factory somewhere in Texas. He's as real as it gets.

Sorry I got carried away but back to me spotting him at the CVS that Saturday night.. I simply said hello to him and told him that I was a huge fan of his work, and this is a dream come true meeting him and yada yada. He nodded in his simple calm demenor, shook my front foot and said, "Thanks, Its a pleasure meeting you and please, please leave at least one box of Red Vines for me over there in the candy isle, I know how you guys eat". I laughed with a sheepish boyish grin and said, "You got it kind sir I'll do just that." I didn't wash my foot for two weeks straight!




Hollywood Elephant

Jaws

 

Jaws

In my honest opinion I thought Jaws was a fish that was not to be fucked with under any circumstances whatsoever on or off camera. I mean you got guys like Charlie Tuna whom I've had the pleasure of meeting.. Great guy despite the fact that he sold his soul and his species out for a quick buck. Moby Dick is cool and very down to earth once you get him out of water. He's actually doing motivational speaking these days. But JAWS.. we're talking Jaws here people- The ultimate bad ass! Those teeth of his weren't special effects. Humans were literally scared to go into the water when this film dropped. Every animal I've ever known has secretly rooted for this guy in all the films even though we all knew he would get the shaft at the end of the day. In my mind he was the ultimate-gangster-bad ass-hooligan-thug you didn't want to bump into while walking down your favorite shoreline. Fuck Darth Vader, Jaws was THAT GUY! But boy was I ever so wrong.. nothing could be further from the truth ladies and gentlemen. Hate to burst your bubble and it really hurts me to say this but Jaws is a flaming homosexual. Nothing against gay people or that lifestyle but in all honesty it was a crushing blow to my psyche... and it went like this:

So I'm out with my elephant lady-friend one evening. I had her flown in from Chad two days ago(shipped in actually).. And I'm showing her around the town and all.. Hermosa Beach, Dodger Stadium, Sunset Boulevard, you know all the usual bullshit. So after a while she tells me she's hungry and of course I'm hungry too. Hey we're elephants, we eat and shit, and then we eat some more- its what we do. So I see Berri's on 3rd Street and pull up and valet the ride. We step into the joint and low and behold there's Jaws sitting right there in the front of the restaurant right by the door! I'm excited-mind blown like, "Oh shit its the gawd Jaws!!" But for some strange reason I notice he has on fake eyelashes, skinny jeans, and a ton of lip gloss smeared across his lips. Then I slow down and I turn to my girl and say, "What the fuck, is that Jaws??" But it is him. My girl confirmed that 100% he was definitely Jaws.

So the hostess seats me and my girl a few tables over from the icon and I'm like fuck it I got to 'give it up' a bit so I give a little shout out to Jaws. I say something to the effect of, "Love your work Jaws, you're an inspiration to us all". Now those menacing teeth are still scary as hell but the effect is thrown off as he blushed like a little girl at the comment while batting his eyelashes. He then replies in a real extremely feminine voice, "Thank you sweetie, you guys look cute together. I just love your big bodies, especially your trunks. You can use them for sooooo many things."

I literally didn't know what the fuck to say. I just simply smiled back and buried my face into the menu. It didn't end.. At that moment in comes JabberJaw happily bursting through the doors wearing lipstick, Capri pants, fashionable eyewear, and red bottomed pumps! I'm like "Not JabberJaw too!" Upon seeing JabberJaw, Jaws hopes out of his seat in excitement and screams out, "Hey boo, what took you so long?" "Girl I was getting my eyebrows done, that bitch was taking her sweet time. I was like bitch I gots to go okaaaay", he replied. That voice shocked me 'cause in the cartoon JabberJaw sounds like one of The Three Stooges but not today.

They hugged briefly then Jaws slipped back into his seat once more and to my chagrin JabberJaw sits right on Jaws lap. Jaws then smacks Jabber on his buttocks and says, "You keepin' it tight for daddy huh?" Jabber cracked a smile and replied, "Well you better hurry up and put a ring on it 'cause Donkey from Shrek is trying to get at me and he stays working unlike some people around here." Jaws frowned up and quickly snapped back, "I'mma call Spielberg up this week and see what's going on with a Jaws reboot".

Even though my girl thought they were adorable, I had heard enough. We ordered our five pound salads to go and got the hell out of there. It was just too much to take in at one time. That was something that needed to soak in gradually over the course of time. My girl thanked me for the outing as we drove back to my apartment. She loved every minute of it as she began texting her friends back in Chad about hobnobbing and carousing with celebrities. As I hit the on-ramp to the 10 freeway going East I still couldn't believe what just took place. Jaws???


Hollywood Elephant

Charlotte's Web

 

Charlotte's Web

 

 

Charlotte the barn spider was very cool when I bumped into her at a Starbucks in North Hollywood about six months ago. Still pretty and attractive, her eyes, all eight of them, captivated my soul. I almost stepped on her twice sad to say. But she was cool about it.. she teaches a method acting class at some spot I forgot where. I really didn't give a shit. I asked her was she still auditioning and acting and whatnot, she said no. After raising about thousand kids throughout the years, and loosing about nine hundred of them, she doesn't have the hunger nor the drive anymore.. Sad indeed.

Of course I had to ask about the filming of  "Charlotte's Web" and what was it like working with Wilbur the pig. She said he's very kind, professional, and very talented on the set but off-camera she was repulsed as he would literally roll around in his own shit and would eat out of the trash can dumpsters constantly. While she was in makeup he would have to get hosed down with soap and water before every scene. She said they even had to hose down the inside of his mouth because his breath smelled like a septic tank. But she still said she wouldn't exchange the experience for nothing in the world. We need more people, I mean spiders, like Charlotte. God bless her soul...



Hollywood Elephant

Toucan Sam

Toucan Sam

When I first met Toucan Sam it was at a fashion show fundraiser in outskirts of Panama City, Panama about three years ago. Now let me say that this bird is the epitome of longevity in the business. Because of the high sugar content in Fruity Loops the shit literally flies off the shelves in supermarkets thus enabling Sam to have one of the best gigs in Hollywood. What can I say I’m in awe of the guy. He’s been hocking sugary cereal to hyperactive adolescents since 1960. 

So anyways here I was at this fashion show and after the show there was an after party at this banquet hall which was only a few blocks down the street. So I’m at the bar with my usual ten pound mixed green salad and three pitchers of Amstel Light and to the right of me about ten feet away is Toucan Sam drunk as shit dancing all by himself yelling out things like, “Fuck Kelloggs, I should've landed the lead in Rio", "I'm a real actor", "I wish I was Jewish", and things of that sort over and over again to whoever would listen to his shenanigans. Next he was trying to quote a line from Shakespeare but he couldn't remember the line in his inebriated state. Then all of a sudden he takes flight and begins to fly around the entire bar in circles. While in the air he almost dropped a wad of bird shit on the bartender but missed.. it actually landed in the drink of a giraffe. Everybody started to freak out at the sight. I’m worried ‘cause he's a legend in the animal kingdom and I actually respect this guy. So I flag him down and finally he stops flying around, apologizes to everyone, and takes a seat next to me. I buy him a drink, Hennessy straight up, and he begins to pour his soul out too me.

He’s blabbering on and on about how he wants to be taken seriously as an actor and how the big dogs at Kelloggs won’t let him flex his true acting chops in the commercials. Instead of flying around-sniffing out the nearest bowl of Fruity Loops he wants to do an abstract styled Kelloggs commercial where the Fruity Loops hover in the air, grow larger and expand.. then he would fly up to each one and stick his huge colorful beak into each ring- sort of like a sexual thing...huh yeah you get the picture, the convo was very weird and crazy as shit. I can't even look at another Fruity Loops commercial to this very day because of that story. He also told me that the rumor of him almost getting his head cut off and his body parts fried up for a dinner was true. At an awards ceremony a few years ago, he insulted the wife of a Sony executive telling her that "once you go Beak, your knees stay Weak".

Long live Toucan,



Hollywood Elephant